Today was really tough :(
As I mentioned earlier I was feeling really ill today. All I wanted to do was to snuggle up with a hot water bottle. So I spent most the day revising & watching tv which was really nice :). But because I was ill I didn't want to eat, I just felt so full & sick, but of course mum made me :(.
But it was weird when I ate I didn't feel nauseous I felt panicky. I kept thinking but I havnt exercised, I'm eating way to many calories, I should be sick...
Its strange I feel recently this whole "you have to be sick" thought keeps coming back :/ but its like its not just like you need to loose weight its more like being sick will make everything better.
It just makes no sense.
Anyway those thoughts were hard to handle but the worst thoughts I keep having today are about attempting suicide, but not dieing, just attempting.
Like I keep planning. I'm thinking okay next thursday I've got a religion exam which I really need to do well so I thought the night before I'll take just enough pills (or the right mix of pills & alcohol, I'm still debating...) then I'll have to be hospitalised, have my stomach pumped & then the exam board will have to give me my predicted grade.
I mean how stupid is that?
Its making me think is my only way to deal with exam pressure a "suicide attempt"?
Whats even more worrying is that I've planned it so well, Ive decided on the substance, the dose, when to take it. I've even thought about how I'll have a shower & then do my hair & make-up before and how I'll pack a bag of revision and stuff incase I'm in hospital for a while. I've even gone down to telling my mum to make sure she'll know to call an ambulance. I mean what the fuck!
I'm even planning notes for everyone just incase I do die.
It scares me that I have no fear of death. I know thats kinda a good thing but its weird its not like I don't want to live its that I wouldn't mind if I died.
Ah my brain is messed up!
Who else would think a "suicide attempt" is the best way to get a good grade?
Why am I so weird :(