Tuesday, 5 June 2012

why am I so fucked up?

Today was really tough :(
As I mentioned earlier I was feeling really ill today. All I wanted to do was to snuggle up with a hot water bottle. So I spent most the day revising & watching tv which was really nice :). But because I was ill I didn't want to eat, I just felt so full & sick, but of course mum made me :(.

But it was weird when I ate I didn't feel nauseous I felt panicky. I kept thinking but I havnt exercised, I'm eating way to many calories, I should be sick...

Its strange I feel recently this whole "you have to be sick" thought keeps coming back :/ but its like its not just like you need to loose weight its more like being sick will make everything better.
It just makes no sense.

Anyway those thoughts were hard to handle but the worst thoughts I keep having today are about attempting suicide, but not dieing, just attempting.

Like I keep planning. I'm thinking okay next thursday I've got a religion exam which I really need to do well so I thought the night before I'll take just enough pills (or the right mix of pills & alcohol, I'm still debating...) then I'll have to be hospitalised, have my stomach pumped & then the exam board will have to give me my predicted grade.
I mean how stupid is that?
Its making me think is my only way to deal with exam pressure a "suicide attempt"?

Whats even more worrying is that I've planned it so well, Ive decided on the substance, the dose, when to take it. I've even thought about how I'll have a shower & then do my hair & make-up before and how I'll pack a bag of revision and stuff incase I'm in hospital for a while. I've even gone down to telling my mum to make sure she'll know to call an ambulance. I mean what the fuck!
I'm even planning notes for everyone just incase I do die.
It scares me that I have no fear of death. I know thats kinda a good thing but its weird its not like I don't want to live its that I wouldn't mind if I died.
Ah my brain is messed up!
Who else would think a "suicide attempt" is the best way to get a good grade?

Why am I so weird :(

4 comments:

  1. Please, don't let these thoughts get to you, try to push them out of your head or stop them before they can grow into plans like this. Don't do anything. Even just an attempt, there's so much danger. I mean, would you rather be in a classroom taking an exam for a couple hours, or at a hospital drinking charcoal and having your stomach pumped and with all your freedoms taken away for a long period of time because people don't trust that you won't try to hurt yourself again? Overdosing is a very bad painful thing to happen from everything I've learned.. my counsellor and I were actually researching this the other day when I was telling her how I was thinking about it. And from what she told me, well, it sounds absolutely horrible. And even besides that.. it's just one test, it's okay if you don't do well on it. And you still have some time to study anyways, i'm sure you'll do fine on it. I totally know what you mean with these thoughts, I mean I've thought the same things a lot of times, even over things like exams and such. But you just have to be able to control them, not let it get to you. And you need to let them out. Please tell somebody you're having these thoughts.. parent, friend, counsellor, anybody, but don't just keep it inside. I'm worried about you :( please don't do anything to hurt yourself, you're beautiful and doing so well, why jeopardize all of the hard work you've put in to getting better, all of the amazing steps you've taken? You're doing so well right now, don't let a little thing like an exam get in your way :) the most important thing is to get healthy once again, to be happy and live your life how it should be.

    Hope you're doing okay, and you can always email/comment if you need to talk. :)

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    1. Anja you're so sweet <3
      Don't worry I won't do anything stupid I'm just annoyed that I thought I was so much better and now all the stupid thoughts are coming back. But you're so right we can control them. Hope you're doing okay I feel so bad that the thoughts are coming back for you too, but we can both stay strong. Same goes for you anytime you need to talk just email me love ali Ox

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  2. I can relate Ali. It's not just you. On sick days I feel the same way about food and exercise. Remember it won't last forever. I know what you're saying about the suicide thoughts. I've had them too, except more just wishing I were dead. I never planned anything. Keep fighting girl, you're stronger than those Ed thoughts!<3

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    1. Thanks tayla <3
      You're so right <3
      thank you for your support sweetie! Ox

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