Wednesday, 30 May 2012

clinic

Again sorry for my lack of posting over the last few days!
As I said I have been trying to revise like crazy but Ive also spent the last few days at the clinic, which was actually quite good :)

Okay bad news first I did loose 0.6kg but to be honest I just don't get it. Its like I eat the same thing every week; some weeks I loose, some weeks I gain. I don't get why the staff is mad at me or proud of me when I havnt done anything different!

I guess also I just preferred how I looked a could of kg lighter...
I know people say I look better now & of course its worth it to be feeling better its just part of me thinks now I feel quite healthy can't I loose a little, but in a healthy way?
But is that me saying that, or ana? I guess I just don't know.

Anyway the clinic has been quite good :). I've been doing a lot of work on handling negative thoughts and its actually so interesting. I guess I never realise but even thinking "I feel fat" you're getting into a negative spiral, which just makes the day harder. So we need to challenge these thoughts! One way I thought was good is writing evidence for & evidence against. So anytime I "feel fat" I need to say...

Evidence for;
- I look so big!
- my clothes are becoming tighter...
- people are telling me how "healthy" (fat) I look
- I've eaten so much
- I can't see any bones etc...

Evidence against;
- Do I really look big?
- others think I look happy & normal: not overweight
- my bmi is pretty much normal
- I know I have body dysmorphia so couldn't this just be part of that? etc...

For me it really helps to challenge my belief & put it to rest. In a way it makes me realise sometimes how absurd my thoughts are. I think it just scares me how one thought determines how my whole day can be. But now I know how to change that. Everyone feel's fat from time to time, but we all can deal with it. Giving in to that feeling just shows that ana is still in control, but we can change that. Like today: I've woken up feeling huge but I'm going to get up and eat anyway. It won't be easy, but its puts ana in her place & proves that no matter how much she temps me, I have control over her. And that feels amazing!

So today remember that you all are beautiful, amazing people & don't let anyone convince you otherwise!
Keep fighting,
love ali Ox

2 comments:

  1. i know it's frusterating sometimes in the recovery process but i think it's soooo great that you are challenging those ed thoughts because that is a HUGE part of recovery! it is probably one of the most important steps. the ed puts so many irrational thoughts and distortions into our heads and we get to a point where they become "truths" and we NEED to challenge those thoughts to be able to fight it. proud of you and keep up the great work, you are amazing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise ; )

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    1. hehe Jenn youre so sweet! Thank you so much <3. We can & will challenge all these distorted thoughts & perceptions. No matter what ana says WE are beautiful! Ox

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