Thursday, 31 May 2012

feeling all patriotic :)

So this weekend is such a big celebration in England- its our Queen's diamond jubilee!
Seriously everyone is acting patriotic- its so cool :) aha

I guess living in London you don't really feel a big sense of community so its kinda nice when everyone comes together to celebrate :)
So in honour I decided to paint my nails with the English flag :) (meant to be british but that was way to hard!! aha)

Anyway are any of you celebrating this weekend?
ali Ox

Drinking my coffee :)

Outfit for the day


Day at the park :)

Don't know if I told you guys about it but saturday I had the best day at the park with Marta :)
Recently we've been having the best weather so it was just so nice to get out & catch up with her
I've known her since we were like 4 so she's more like a sister :)
I love that with friends you've known for years all you do is take the mick out of each other, but you never get offended. Its like when we meet up all we do is laugh at each other! But I like it like that :)
Anyway was a really lovely day :) so thought id post some pics...
                                                     hehe apparently this is my pose??


                                                      the daisy ring I made her :)

Hope its sunny where all of you are,
ali Ox

Questions...

So I thought I'd do a little question-time thing :)
So if anyone has any questions, about anything, just leave a comment (can be anonymously) or drop me an email (roadtoperfection3@gmail.com)

Cant wait to hear from you :)

ali Ox

link exchange :)

http://giraffesilhouette.blogspot.co.uk/

Please follow!!
Seriously this blog is truly amazing!
Eventhough she's only been blogging for a few months you can really see the progress she's made, she really is a true inspiration :)
Though what I love most about her blog is that it isn't all about her ed. Its so amazing to see how she gets along and lives such a great life, and really doesn't let ana get in the way.
So proud of you Anja! Ox


gum

I think I have an addiction to chewing gum...
Seriously I get through like a pack a day, I don't know whats wrong with me!

I feel like every time I eat I need gum afterwards and its driving me crazy!
Today I decided I have to quit, cold turkey.
But I'm literally shaking I don't know what to do!
Have any of you gone through this?
How do you get over it??

ali Ox

woohoo!

So my exam is over! woohoo!!

Literally been panicking over it for ages! And even though I have 5 more to go I actually feel like such a weight has been lifted :)

So just wanted to say I will hopefully post a lot more now!! :)

Hope you all had a great day,
love ali Ox

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Exhausted :/

5am starts are not fun :(
Already wishing I was back in bed!
Even typing seems like it's taking too much energy...

clinic

Again sorry for my lack of posting over the last few days!
As I said I have been trying to revise like crazy but Ive also spent the last few days at the clinic, which was actually quite good :)

Okay bad news first I did loose 0.6kg but to be honest I just don't get it. Its like I eat the same thing every week; some weeks I loose, some weeks I gain. I don't get why the staff is mad at me or proud of me when I havnt done anything different!

I guess also I just preferred how I looked a could of kg lighter...
I know people say I look better now & of course its worth it to be feeling better its just part of me thinks now I feel quite healthy can't I loose a little, but in a healthy way?
But is that me saying that, or ana? I guess I just don't know.

Anyway the clinic has been quite good :). I've been doing a lot of work on handling negative thoughts and its actually so interesting. I guess I never realise but even thinking "I feel fat" you're getting into a negative spiral, which just makes the day harder. So we need to challenge these thoughts! One way I thought was good is writing evidence for & evidence against. So anytime I "feel fat" I need to say...

Evidence for;
- I look so big!
- my clothes are becoming tighter...
- people are telling me how "healthy" (fat) I look
- I've eaten so much
- I can't see any bones etc...

Evidence against;
- Do I really look big?
- others think I look happy & normal: not overweight
- my bmi is pretty much normal
- I know I have body dysmorphia so couldn't this just be part of that? etc...

For me it really helps to challenge my belief & put it to rest. In a way it makes me realise sometimes how absurd my thoughts are. I think it just scares me how one thought determines how my whole day can be. But now I know how to change that. Everyone feel's fat from time to time, but we all can deal with it. Giving in to that feeling just shows that ana is still in control, but we can change that. Like today: I've woken up feeling huge but I'm going to get up and eat anyway. It won't be easy, but its puts ana in her place & proves that no matter how much she temps me, I have control over her. And that feels amazing!

So today remember that you all are beautiful, amazing people & don't let anyone convince you otherwise!
Keep fighting,
love ali Ox

5am

Its so weird but recently I keep waking up at 5am :/
I don't even know why its like I've gotten into this really bad habit and I just can't snap out of it.
So yes I'm exhausted...

Yesterday I was so so tired so I slept most the day. But mum called and was like "your not really tired go and exercise" errrr :/
Firstly yes I am tired. I havnt slept properly in months so if I need to sleep in the day I need to sleep! But also telling me to "go exercise" is just going to make me think I'm so fat... even mum thinks I've gotten to big now... don't eat, don't eat!! And being home alone makes the urge not to eat even harder to control.

Yesterday was kinda a test for me. I could've eaten nothing & no-one would've known but instead I fully did my meal plan, so I'm actually quite proud of myself :)
Sometimes its so hard to follow it fully. But yesterday proved to me that not only do I want to get better, but I'm doing this for me.
I guess sometimes I try and convince myself that I'm only eating to keep my family happy but really I am doing it because I want to be better, I want a life.
I guess I'm just happy that I can finally admit that to myself :)

Anyway sorry I didn't post yesterday, really been trying to revise but getting absolutely no-where!
Hope you all had a good day,
ali Ox

hehe I love doing funny faces ;P

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Sunday Roast

Today I ate my sunday dinner & dessert!
Okay doesn't sound like a huge thing but I just felt so so disgustingly big today that I was kinda planning on restricting...
But I wouldn't let myself resort to that.
So after our sunday dinner my mum offered us all dessert. Usually I wouldn't even respond; I would think why would I ate when I've just eaten? I don't have to eat again till at least another 3 hours, so why would I eat something hugely calorific when I'm not hungry?
But today I thought well all my family are having dessert, I guess it is actually normal to eat not just because you need to, but because something tastes nice. So today I took a slice of apple pie :) tbh it actually wasn't amazing, hopefully next week I'll convince her to get sticky toffee pudding! :)
Literally that dessert is to die for!

Anyway after eating the apple pie I was like just go be sick, its so easy, no-one will notice & to be honest I even walked up to the bathroom ready to. But I just couldn't let myself do that. So I stopped, sat down & really thought about it. It was hard for me to take dessert, why would I destroy my efforts?

This evening I am quite panicky but I'll be at the clinic for the next few days & things are always better there :). I'm really nervous because I know I'm going to flop my exam on thursday & spending all my time at the clinic instead of revising probably isn't the best idea? But I need to go, theres no point me revising hard if in the exam I'm still feeling like this...

anyway hope you all had a good weekend,
ali Ox

weigh in...

Tomorrow I have to go to the clinic :/
I was thinking about calling & cancelling but I know I need to go.
I guess I'm just kinda worried that I've gained to much.
I kinda feel like I'm just gaining & gaining & will they ever let me stop??

I sound so stupid! I know I won't continue gaining, I know how to control my weight, but I'm still scared...

I'm just praying tomorrow goes okay,
wish me luck, ali Ox

Blog's I follow :)

Just wanted to say to any of you recovering from an ed I would really recommend you check out this blog...
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.co.uk/

She is truly a real inspiration to us all, she has come so so far & is now happily living a normal life again. She gives some amazing advice to all of her readers; reading her blog was actually one of the things that not only got me into blogging, but actually motivated me to want to recover, so I just want to say thank you to her!

I read many more amazing blogs too but I wasn't sure if any of the bloggers wanted me to say. If you do I'd love to promote your blogs :)

Love ali Ox

100th post!!

Woo! 100 posts!
Actually so happy! Feeling quite proud :) aha
A lot has happened over the last 99 posts, theres been ups & downs but I have come far & even though Ive got a way to go I'm confident I will recover.

Even though going back to living a normal life, with all the responsibilities & stress, is hard, life isn't meant to be easy. Sometimes I do think life would be so much easier if I was just ill again, but it wouldn't be. Part of life is having to face up to your problems & deal with them, I can't keep hiding from them, using ana as an excuse. Yes at the moment it is difficult, but things will get easier & I have so so much to live for.

I think the key is just taking each day as it comes & reminding yourself of how great your life actually is!
I really am lucky for everything I have & I do have so many things to look forward to.
I guess when I have tough moments I need to remind myself of this.

So cheers to many more positive posts & recovery for all of us!
Love ali Ox

P.S. what has changed for all of you since the start of this year?

           
<< me yesterday- Gosh I am so vain!! aha
           

I miss her

I kinda miss being sick...

I know that sounds so terrible! But when I was sick everything was so easy.
I didn't have to go to work, I didn't have to do well in school, I didn't have to be there for other people.
It's like now that I'm better everything is so stressful again :/
Ana was the way I coped with my stress & its like without her now I don't know what to do :/

I guess I kinda miss everyone taking care of me, taking most the stress away.
I sound so childish! But I guess its annoying that no-one understands how its still hard for me.
Like the voice is still screaming and it takes all my strength to fight it, but because I look "normal" everyone thinks I'm cured. So everyone thinks they can put all this stress back on me, but I can't handle it.

To be honest I'm saying its everyone but really its just my mum.
I kinda thought above anyone she'd understand that I still have a long way to go, but she doesn't.
Some nights I just need to talk to her, I really need some support, but she always just shouts at me, tells me I'm being selfish & I'm starting to think am I?
Am I still clinging on the ana just because I want to be selfish? Because I want attention, love, support?
I just don't know...

I guess the only option is to kept fighting it, no matter how much strength it takes. And then hopefully I'll be able to deal with the other stresses in my life.

Hope you all enjoy your day,
love ali Ox

eurovision!

So did you all watch eurovision??

I don't usually watch it but this year everyone seemed so into it so I thought why not join in?
I kinda thought I'd be spending the night watching it alone but my dad & fiona, martin & luke all watched it with me :).
Its weird I haven't had a family tv night in so long but last night we all sat watching eurovision, all singing along & I just felt so so happy :)
We just kinda felt like a real family, like we never spend time together, I mean we don't even eat dinner together, so it just felt so special to all be relaxing, joking about :)

Anyway congrats to Sweeden!
Although I did think Russia was amazing, & did everyone else notice how fit the german guy was!!
Who was your favourites?

Hope you all had a great night,
love ali Ox

"Your blog is so egocentric"

In the last few days I've started to allow my friends to read my blog, but I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I mean they were all so sweet, saying how proud they were of me etc etc but now I kinda feel like when I'm having a bad day can I still write about it? & now can I still bitch about them?? aha

But now I'm thinking my blog is like a diary for me, it just helps me get out all the shit going through my mind. So if sometimes on my mind I'm gona say it. Tbh its their choice to read it or not so who cares! aha I'm such a great friend... aha

Okay that does sound incredibly mean! & as i've mentioned countless times I do actually have the most amazing friends! I wouldn't bitch about them, its just if they say something that upsets me usually i'd blog about it, because that way I can realise whats actually happened & calm myself down. But now if they read what I've said aren't they just gona be mad at me? I don't know...

Anyway I'll be the first to admit my blog is incredibly self-centred & vain, but its my blog, why can't it be?
I would hope i'm not a self-centred person. So who cares if I have a blog where it is all about me, I mean isn't a blog meant to be like that?
I guess it just kinda hurt me when my friend was like "your blog is so egocentric" I was like yes, is that a problem?
Okay I am over reacting but the tone she used I just kinda felt like it was a dig at me. I'm not upset with her or anything (sorry iqraa!!) but I guess its something I'm really conscious of, I mean what if I am an egocentric person...

Ah I don't know :/ hopefully I'm not! Anyway I'll end this 5am rant... insomnia is great :) isn't it?? aha
& hope you all have a lovely sunday, any plans?

Lots of love, ali Ox

Saturday, 26 May 2012

summer!

Happy saturday everyone!! :)

Today the weather is actually gorgeous, I can't wait to just get outside & enjoy the sun!
I love summer but I always feel so conscious. I just hate showing my legs!

I know that sounds stupid given the little shorts I wear but I just feel disgusting when I show my bare legs.
It's weird I just always feel so so fat in the summer... like way more than in the winter.
But today its boiling so I'm just going to grin & bear it & soak up the sun :)

Hope you all have a great saturday, any plans?
love ali Ox


me & my two best friends :)

Friday, 25 May 2012

it's friday...

Just had such a nice evening around Iqraa's :)
I was kinda anxious before, like I knew we would be ordering pizza or something but when we got there I didn't care. I just ate until I felt full :) Like I don't even know how much I ate, how many calories etc
I just feel so normal! :) aha

Anyway the evening was so lovely. I have said this about a million times but chilling with my best friends really does make me so happy :)
It was kinda sad though like my 2 best friends, iqraa & martyna are kinda growing apart. Like we've all known it for a long time but tonight just felt kinda awkward... like they couldn't even be in the same room without getting annoyed. I just don't know what to do. I mean I love them both but they're both so different. Its hard for me because I am a lot more like martyna, but it doesn't mean I love iqraa any less. Its just sometimes I can see things more from martyna's point of view, but then I can't say that to iqraa...
I think the real problem here is why do I get so involved with everyone!! aha

But anyway even though that is kinda upsetting the real thing that upset me tonight was hearing hannah open up. She's been through so so much, she's had like a tumour in her leg, had an op to remove it, but they think its regrowing...
I mean thats tough! & I'm starting to worry she might be slipping into depression...
Ah I don't know she just keeps saying how tired she is, and how she feels hopeless, how she can't cope.
I guess I'm scared for her, like properly scared.
And I guess what worries me the most is I don't even think she can see it. Like I think she knows somethings not right, but I don't think she'd admit that she is depressed. I don't know maybe she isn't... I'm probably just panicking...

What kinda upset me though was when she was saying how it upset her how our friends were worried about me, but not about her.
I guess no-one really understands how much it affected her & I really wish they did.
Like she needs love & support but its like no-one (even including me) knows how to give it.
I just really want her to be happy, but I don't know what to do :(

What she said also kinda made me think though. Like I didn't really know my friends were worried...
To be honest I am feeling quite loved :) aha but part of me is thinking shit how crazy am I...
Ah I need to get over this paranoia!

I feel kinda weird because I know my friends read my blog, so I don't know whether I can talk about them or not?
But then I thought well to be honest I'd say it to their face anyway so I guess theres no problem them reading it, right?

anyway this is a miss-mash of a post!
hope you all had a great friday night,
all my love, ali Ox

Last night :)

Okay so after my last two despressing posts I thought I'd tell you about last night.

Last night was my mate Gaby's birthday so we all went out to dinner.
Before I was actually quite excited, the food sounded so good! aha but once I got my meal I started to think okay only eat half... stop now... just go be sick...

I was saying to people at the clinic how I keep having these really "anorexic" thoughts, that like I haven't had in a while. I felt really upset, like I was becoming ill again.

But then they asked well do you give in to these thoughts?
I said of course I don't! I mean its difficult not to but I know they're not my thoughts, I know they're not what I really want. And then they explained to me that it's normal to have these thoughts, throughout life your going to have days where you think like this but not giving in shows how strong you are, how far you've come. So now I actually feel quite proud of myself :) aha
So I ate my meal & even had a slice of birthday cake too!

It was actually such a nice evening out. And I actually drunk a fair bit & managed to stay reasonably sober.
So two triumphs in one night! aha

Hope you all had a nice evening, any weekend plans?
Love ali Ox

If only I could loose 1kg...maybe 2...

I guess at the moment I don't like the way I look.
All I can see is fat, everywhere & it really upsets me.
I guess it's hard because I control what I eat, I control how much I eat. So I control what weight I am.

I think it just upsets me because I feel like all I'm doing is making myself fat :(

Don't get me wrong, I do feel better.
Sure I do have anxiety most days, but its manageable & I'm almost back to just living my life normally again.
But I just feel so big.

I know "fat isn't a feeling" but to me it is.
When I say "I feel fat" I just mean I feel so uncomfortable, so disgusting. 
It's like when I can feel my thighs touching, it just makes me feel sick :(

Ah gosh these are anorexic thoughts!!
I know I have to keep eating, I know I'm not fully better yet. 
But I feel like I've gained so much weight & I'm still not recovered, so why can't I just loose a couple kg & be happy.
I really don't mean for this to be triggering for any of you, its just kinda irritating.

I know its not an option though, I know I can't loose, or i'll just become sick again.
I just think sometimes I'm not sure if the thoughts in my mind are what I really want, or just ana tricking me. 
I think the only option is to keep eating, keep fighting & hopefully one day I'll be able to distinguish between the two.

Love ali Ox

Catch up :)

Just realised I never told you guys about my first night out clubbing!
It was actually pretty good :)
Not the best night out ever but it was so nice to just go out & relax with the people I love :)
& I actually felt so grown up! aha

Hopefully they'll be plenty more nights out like these :)
I just can't wait to be 18 now!

anyway heres some pictures from the night...





Hope you all had fun weekends,
love ali Ox

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Creeping back...

The last few days I've had such anorexic thoughts :/
I think when I'm under stress in a way I stop fighting...

Like I know I'm home alone, no-one checking what I'm eating so its hard not to restrict.
But don't worry I'm not, I just meant its becoming harder.

I think when I'm alone I also feel so low, but not just in an "I'm so disgustingly fat" way also in a "I can't cope anymore" way.
For the first few days of study leave I just sat home alone, all these thoughts spinning round my head.

But then I thought no... I can't feel like this again... I won't give in this time

So instead of just sitting at home moping around I got up, got ready & went out.
I thought why am I sitting here feeling terrible when I can go study with my friends?
So I met a few of them in the library & we studied & then went out for lunch :) it was actually such a nice day, free from bad thoughts.

So I guess I just wanted to say even though times may get tougher you have to fight back & keep going.
It's not easy, but its definitely worth it :)

So tonight I'm of out again, to my mates birthday meal :)
Ofcourse there is some anxiety but I actually am quite excited.

Hope you all have a good day :)

Ali Ox

Hello!!

Sorry for my lack of posting/commenting....
Starting to feel like I apologise for not posting in every post!

But today I do have a good excuse :) aha
I've been focusing on revising for my exam this morning, so tough!
Really don't think I did as well as I hoped, but at least its one down 6 more to go :)

Anyway just wondering how all of you are doing?

Love ali Ox

Friday, 18 May 2012

nights out...

Last night I just felt so low, I was so sad that I was finishing school.
It felt weird it just felt like everything was changing, too quickly, and I didn't like it.
My friend had literally done everything she could & found me id for tonight. I was so happy, it was so sweet of her, but last night I was just like I don't want to go...

I mean of course I did but I just felt so low, so not in the mood.
Even when I woke up today I was like what excuse can I make?

After our leavers mass we all went to the pub- ultimate fail.
They kicked out everyone that didn't have id so everyone was split & didn't know what to do.
So after a few hours going from pub to pub we just decided to head home.

I was feeling really ill, really out of it so I really didn't think i'd go tonight.
But when I got home I realised it was 4 & I hadn't eaten since breakfast...
So I got mum to make me some food, watched the real housewives of oc :) and after I was like actually I feel great! I do want to go tonight.

So I'm just listening to music, getting ready & I'm actually really excited for my first time clubbing!

It just feels so great after feeling so down to realise that I actually have an amazing life & I should live it to the full.

And today getting ready I realise that I am a lot bigger than I was like at christmas but tonight I actually think I look a lot better!
Ofcourse I still don't like parts of my body, but no-ones perfect
Right now I feel healthy & good & I'm gona embrace that.

Have a great evening, post tomorrow <3

love ali Ox

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

47kg...48kg...49kg...50kg!

Yes I am 50.6kg!!
Okay so part of me is freaking out... I haven't weighed this much in forever but mainly I'm so proud of myself :) aha.

I guess I kept thinking I had to stay under the dreaded 50kg.
I wouldn't let myself get over it. Ever.
But today I went to the clinic & I am over it!
It was weird tonight when I got home I didn't want to restrict I just wanted to tell everyone how well I've done!

haha okay I am just basically bragging but I never thought I could well fight my fear of gaining weight but now I don't even mind that much. I am feeling a lot better, a lot closer to beating this & I'm quite confident that if I keep fighting I will beat it, once & for all.

Hope you all had a good day,
Love ali Ox

(bdw I'm only 165cm so 50.6kg is bmi 18.6 :))

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Keep going...

With such a depressive last post I really need to post something positive!
So I think I'll tell you all about my weekend :)

To be honest on saturday I was feeling so down. It was one of my mates birthdays and we were going to dinner & theatre but I just didn't feel in the mood. It was strange for the first time in a while I was really anxious about eating. Like planning to eat a bit, then go be sick... So I thought maybe I shouldn't go?

But then I thought why should I miss out on a good night? So I just forced myself to get ready, forced myself to perk up a bit & it actually turned out into a really lovely evening, and I actually managed to eat!

I'm so happy that I went. I feel like every time I'm meant to meet a friend, or even answer my phone theres part of me saying no! Cancel! Don't pick up!
But it so so important to fight against that.
It's so important, no matter how your feeling to talk to people, to have fun! Otherwise you just can't cope.

So on sunday when I was meant to meet my boyfriend for dinner & the voice was screaming no, this time I didn't even acknowledge it. I got ready, plugged in my earphones & went.
And now I'm even thinking why on earth would I consider cancelling?

I think over the next few months I really need to fight a lot harder. Times are gona be tougher, but that's no excuse. I need to get over this now, or I'll never do it.

Hope you all had a good weekend,

Ali Ox

Low.

Why when I'm gaining, trying so much harder do I feel so so low?

Recently I've really wanted to purge. Like so so badly.
It's weird like I used to purge, but not that much I was more focused on restricting. But over the last few days I've just felt like I needed to.

It's so weird like when I feel I need to be sick I don't even consider weight loss. I just desperately want to feel empty. I just want to feel like I've gotten rid of all my pain, my anger, my hurt.

I guess it worries much how much I still rely on ana to control my emotions...

I knew this period would be tough.
With my exams coming up everyone warned me of how I'd feel, but I just didn't think I'd feel like I did at my worst.
It sounds terrible but in a way I'm so angry that I feel so low but I'm basically a healthy weight.

I just feel stupid like I'm pretending to have an eating disorder, but I don't because I'm so fucking fat!!

Sorry that this is what I post after I haven't in days!
Hope you're all doing good,

Love ali Ox

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Today.

Today I had to go to the clinic but I found out I gained :) woohoo!
I actually am quite happy :). I mean its been tough, but eating-wise I feel more close to normal then ever before.

I'm not gaining much, like I only gained 0.6 over the last 2/3 weeks but I'm still proud of myself.
It's so weird though, it feels like the more I gain the less I hate my body... not possible right?
But at my lowest weight I saw fat literally everywhere but now I have days where parts of me are okay.
I think I'm always going to hate things like my stomach, arms & legs but if I just focus on the parts I like then it should't matter as much. And maybe one day I won't really worry over them at all.

Hope you all had a good day,

Love ali Ox




Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Why am I so depressive?

Ah my last post is depressive!!
I think I'm just getting so panicky at the moment...
But I can fix that.

Yes I'm going to panic about things, but letting that panic take over everything isn't good.
It's something which I can easily stop, so why aren't I?

I think I've just realised how far I still have to go. How much harder I need to work.

But I can & will do it.

Wish me luck, sorry for not reading anyone's blog today & not replying to messages but I definitely will tomorrow. Hope you all had a good day,
Love ali Ox

:(

Today was hard.

When I got in to school I just felt so low. I just sat there in class not doing anything.
I just sat there panicking about tomorrow.

Tomorrow is weigh in day :(.
I havnt been to the clinic for a while now. I've secretly weighed myself a few times & I don't think I've lost, but what if I have?

I mean part of me even wants to :(
Not a lot, just a little... But I know that's wrong.

I'm just scared if I haven't gained then they're gona give up on me. I really want to get better, but I need their help...

I just don't know what to do...

Monday, 7 May 2012

Feeling much better

After playing games with my family and eating my dinner I feel so but better now :).
I think when I'm alone I just start getting all depressive, but being around everyone I love I just feel instantly happy :).
So now I'm finally going to start my studying!

Hope you all have a nice evening,
Ali Ox

Just watching the clock...

Why is it only 2:30?
Do you ever just have moments where you just really want time to go quickly?
But not like when your little waiting for santa, just like you can't take anymore of the day.

I don't know I want today to be over.
I just want this week to be over.
I just want my life to be over.

Okay I hope I dont actually mean that. It's just I'm so so tired of all this. I feel disgustingly huge & I feel like I'll I'm doing is lieing in bed, making myself feel even worse.
I just wish I could have some energy!

I think I just need to get up, do something fun, drink some pepsi max! Screw revision. Today I just need to lift my mood & have some family time.

Hope your all having a good day :),
Ali Ox

Outfit for the day


My outfit for today; comfy study clothes :), thoughts?







I really want to go & buy new clothes, but I'm still scared.
When I look at my pictures I just feel so so big. I feel like I don't deserve new clothes.
Today I was meant to get rid of all my clothes that didn't fit, but part of me doesn't want to.
Part of me hopes that i'll fit into them again.

But I'm trying to motivate myself, so today I think I'll do some online shopping :)
Then when my clothes come I'll have to get rid of the small ones :)

Hope you all have a good day,
Ali Ox

No school :)

Happy may day bank holiday!

Today almost everyone in England gets the day of :)
I love may day its always so sunny & such a fun family day.

When I was younger we'd always do little things together like going swimming or feeding the ducks or even having a games day.
I kinda wish that we could still do things like that...

But today I'm going to (try to) actually get some work done!
And then maybe later I'm gona chill watching a movie- probably the only good part of my exhaustion is that I've had time to watch so many good films! aha

Hope you all have a good day,
Ali Ox

Sunday, 6 May 2012

My dinner :)

So I thought I'd tell you all a bit about last night.
It was actually so lovely :)

Me & my friend Maia just went round to Marta's & she cooked & we just chilled & watched tv :).
With my lack of energy at the moment it was exactly what I needed; good company, good food & a comfy sofa :)

The only thing that scared me though was after dinner I was still kinda hungry.
I was so panicked how can I be hungry when they're not?
Are my dinners too big? Am I eating too much?

And then I thought well recently I have been trying to gain weight, so my bodies used to a lot more calories than normal people & maybe I was just having a hungry day.
I mean its normal to have days where you want to eat more & days were you want to eat less.
It's normal to somedays feel you couldn't eat another bite & others that you're still a bit hungry.

I guess it just feels weird that I'm beginning to eat normally again.
Like tonight I was hungry so I took a biscuit.
That may not seem much but I never thought I could just pick up a biscuit and eat it, thinking nothing of it.

At moments I kinda doubt that I'm getting better, but I've realised that I am.
I'm not going to lie, I don't like my new body.
But I eat. I don't compensate with exercise. I don't take diet pills. I don't make myself sick.
So maybe I'm not fully there, but I have come a long way.

Keep fighting,
Love Ali Ox

Meant to be studying...

So I'm blogging :) hehe

Happy sunday everyone!
Ah it feels like at the moment all I'm doing is studying :(
I was meant to go to like a family party but I passed hoping I would get some work done, but I just have no motivation, at all!

I don't know I'm just feeling kinda low at the moment, like its all becoming too much for me.
I just desperately want my energy back, I want to be normal!

All of today I've just been sat in bed, trying to focus, downing dangerous amounts of coffee & pepsi max, but I still just feel so out of it.
I just keep needed to remind myself the side-effects of my tablets will go down & they are helping me.
Until then I just need to stay happy!

So today I kinda figured I wasn't going to get much work done so I just did a few past papers & watched series 1 of the apprentice- it was so good!

Hope you all had a good day,
ali Ox
my studying clothes :)... hmm don't I look happy... :/

Saturday, 5 May 2012

dinner with a friend :)

Okay so I'm meant to be studying but I couldn't resist taking some pics ;P.

I feel so vein, but I just love taking pictures!

Earlier I was feeling low. I feel like I'm so big, so so much bigger than all of you & in a way I'm mad that I'm almost a healthy weight, but my mind is far from being healthy.
I guess I'm just angry, like I don't want to be a normal weight if I won't be happy at it... I don't know :/

I was planning on just taking the afternoon out, watching some films, reading some blogs but my best friend asked if I wanted to have dinner with her.
I had cancelled on her a few days back so I really did want to see her. But part of me was screaming NO! just stay home, go to sleep, don't go out.
But I recognised that voice & it definitely wasn't mine.
So I thought why not try to lift my mood a little & take some cool pics & it definitely worked :).
So now I'm of to hers for her to cook me dinner :).
She's actually an amazing cook so I'm even a little excited for the food (never thought I'd say that!)

Love ali Ox

hehe i love jumping pics!

okay wasn't actually gona post this but is it me or do I actually look like I have a cleavage? aha


Post later bellas <3 Ox


whats happening to me!?!?

Recently I've felt like me & my friend Iqraa have grown apart.
I mean I still love her, but right now we're completely different.
I like to go out, have a few drinks, dance etc but she'd rather be round her boyfriends.
I mean theres nothing wrong with that, I really am happy for her, but I kinda feel like she's judging me for being different.

Last night she told me how I was acting all strange at Hannahs, how I was too excited, to crazy.
It really hurt me. I know I have depression so my mood is all over the place, but I didn't think I was acting weird!
I mean I guess I'm more confident, more extrovert than she's used to, but I didn't think that was a bad thing.

After we ended our Skype call last night I burst into tears. I started to panic that maybe I was acting weird, maybe my friends didn't actually like me...
I'm literally the most paranoid person!
I was so mad at myself, so mad that I have depression.
It's hard dealing with depression but I feel okay now. I mean the highs & extreme lack of energy are hard to handle, and hard to explain but its better than the suicidal thoughts & harm I was up to before.
But when she said that to me I started to question myself, question whether I was well almost back to 'normal' like I thought I was.

So I went over to mum & just broke down.
I was crying just saying how I wanted to be normal, I just want to be like everyone else.
But mum just comforted me & told me not to worry, that one day I would be again.
After that I just went to sleep & when I woke up everything seemed a lot clearer.

I was upset with Iqraa, I hated how she made me feel so embarrassed, so ashamed of how I am.
But then I thought I'm not actually mad at her, she just doesn't really get me.
I guess I'm just mad that it seems no-one understands me.
Like no-one gets why I have no energy, or how exhausted I actually am. I think even my teachers think I'm milking it, but I'm not.
I'm trying to cope, trying to handle all these mixed up emotions & thoughts & I'm trying to pretend that I'm happy, completely normal, but I'm not.
I am still struggling, a lot & I don't know why I keep putting up such a front just pretending I'm okay?
I know my friends & family love & care about me, so I don't know why I can't just be honest with them.
I guess I was mad at everyone for not understanding, but maybe the problem was I didn't give them a chance to.

So I texted Iqraa this morning,  I explained how I felt & why what she said hurt me. She replied straight back apologising saying how she didn't mean it like that its just she's used to me being quiet.

Last night I was so mad at everything but today I'm thinking yes what I'm going through is hard, but I need to just battle through it, same with the eating.
I mean I can be the depressed skinny girl sat in the corner or I can be the happy healthy girl leading the conversation.
I guess right now I'm somewhere in-between.
I need to keep reminding myself how easy it is for me to slip into depression & anorexia again, & how I can't let that happen.

Hope your all having a fun saturday,

Love ali Ox

Friday, 4 May 2012

Weekend!

Woo! 3 day weekend!
Anyone have any plans?

For me I think this weekend I'm just going to relax, have some family time :)
I love going out but the last few weekends have taken it all out of me so I think I'm just gone spend some time with my family :)
It feels so weird to say that like most teens hate being at home with their family, but I love it!
I just find my family so funny, such good fun, and I'm never happier than when I'm with them :)

So this weekend I think I'm just gona chill, play some games, maybe go visit my cousins :)
Not the most exciting weekend, but just the weekend I need.

Hope you all have fun,
Ali Ox



Thursday, 3 May 2012

Just eat it!

Today as I was of and not doing much activity I stupidly made a deal with myself to eat 1400 calories.
I havnt counted calories in a while i don't even know why I did it, but I guess we're all gona have a few fallbacks right?

Anyway after dinner I realised I had eaten probably 1500 calories. I felt okay I mean it's over what I wanted but 100 calories will hardly make me gain that much.

So I was planning on not eating a night snack. But mum had to remind me :/. She came and brought me a scone spread thick with butter and told me to eat it. We havnt fought over food in a long time but tonight I was putting my foot down. I don't need to gain anymore! I'm already too fat! I know loosing weight is not good but I hardly look skinny or even slim so why do I need to gain? Why do I need to eat extra?

She just sat down with we and chatted. We had a good laugh and slowing without realising I ate the whole thing! And I was happy I did so. Eventhough I'm struggling with my weight gain I know how important it is to ignore ana, do the opposite of what she says or I'll just end up even worse than before.

Hope you all fought back hard today!
Ali Ox

Exhausted

I hate how I'm not like other people.
I hate how I never have the energy, for anything.
I'm happy, healthy...well almost...but I still have no energy.
It's just hard when everyone says I'm bunking of or I'm not bothered. I love school, I love going out it's just some times I physically can't do it. I need a day or two to rest, or everything gets worse :(.

I guess I'm scared of being tired. Ah that sounds weird! But when I'm tired it feels like everything is harder, anas voice is alot stronger. And I no longer have the energy to fight back.

Ah this is a long depressive rant! I guess I just thought by eating I'd automatically have energy again but I need to accept that that's going to take time. Recovery is a long hard process and it's going to take all my energy, but it definitely is worth it :).

Night girlies, Ali Ox

realising just how much you've gained...

Realising that despite on the scales I've only put on like 3kg... maybe 4 since christmas but I look completely different. It's weird I'm not sure if I like it or not.
I mean if you ask how I prefer my body I would definitely say at christmas. But looking back at my pictures I don't look good there. I look so dead, so exhausted, so ready to give up. And I was.

Sure now I may not really be comfortable with how I look, but I'm so much happier.
In my pictures from the weekend you can tell I'm happy, just a normal teenage girl, not sick.
Even though I haven't quite come to terms with my body I know it's a lot better to be this weight.
I guess the hardest thing now is convincing myself to gain the last few kilo...
But I know I will get there.

Hope you're all doing good :),
Love ali Ox

Me at christmas... fake smile, looking so frozen, probably one of the worst days :(
 Me last weekend... all I can see is my arms & stomach... but also I look so much happier, so much more fun! guess I need to keep reminding myself that...

sick day :)

So casually decided to take a few days of 'sick' :)
Okay so I am actually a little sick, but mainly I'm just exhausted.
It feels like I don't have the same energy as other people, like on Monday & Tuesday I was falling asleep in class. I just wanted to be at home, resting.
So yesterday I was going to school, but I knew I wouldn't take anything in. So I thought why not just tell mum how I'm feeling?
So I actually didn't lie I told her I just felt so cold, so tired like I couldn't do this. I kinda thought she'd force me to go in, but she didn't :).
It's nice that she really understands me. Like my friends, my boyfriend etc don't really get why I don't have energy. They don't understand why I physically can't go out after school or how I need days to rest, but my mum does :).
Yesterday evening I actually started to feel a bit better. I was still tired but I thought I might as well go to school today. But mum was like you can take another day of if you want it? I wasn't going to argue with that :) aha.
To be honest I'd usually go in but all I had the last few days is 2 lessons of revision. I kinda find it pointless like today I've already done a few hours revision and I'm planning on doing a lot more.
I'm definitely going in tomorrow, I miss my friends! and I have my economics mock :/

Wish me luck, ali Ox

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

My weekend part 2 :)

Okay so after my slightly shameful night I actually had such a lovely evening out with the girls.
It was my friend Hannah's 18th so we all went to chicago rib shack and then got a limo around london :).

The restaurant was so nice!!
Before I was panicking. You can't find the calories for that restaurant anywhere! So I kinda made a deal with myself that I would eat like a burger but not any chips etc.
But when we ordered I just started eating, I was just chatting to my friends, laughing, and I finished my plate.
I don't think I've finished a plate of restaurant food in years.
Ofcourse when I realised I was a little panicked but then I thought I enjoyed it, I don't feel too full, so why am I feeling guilty?
If I overate my body would tell me and even if I did as long as you don't overeat everyday thats okay.
Eating normal is having too much some days and too little other days. No-one eats exactly their gda everyday, and yet they're happy and healthy.
I mean at the restaurant most my friends finished their meals, so why shouldn't I be able too?

After the meal we had the limo ride which was amazing!
It was just so lovely to have all the girls together just dancing and laughing. It really made me realise just how much I love my friends.

Afterwards we went back to Hannah's for drinks.
As soon as we got in all I saw was a table full of cakes, chocolates, sweets & doughnuts.
I hadn't had a doughnut in years, I had convinced myself they were the worst food that no-one should ever eat. But they just looked so yum!
Everyone started to eat and I thought hmm I am a little hungry I do want to eat. So I picked up a doughnut and ate it. And I felt good :).

I guess the weekend ana hasn't really been a part of my life. When I'm out having fun theres no time to listen to her, theres no time to get upset or panic. I guess thats the key I need to stay busy, keep having fun, giving myself things to look forward to. And maybe one day I won't be able to hear her voice at all.

Love Ali Ox







My weekend :)

A little bit late but I thought I'd tell you all about my weekend :)

It actually got of to a good start. It was my mate Jack's 18th and he had like a house party thing. I have to admit I was kinda nervous like I didn't really know the other people going and I wasn't sure what it would be like. But my friend Steph agreed to go with me :)

It was actually so nice! I love Steph, she's such a good laugh but lately I don't see her that much so it was really nice to like have time to catch up with her. I went round for pre-drinks and had such a great laugh with her. I think I just love going round to someones house and chatting, like its just so comfortable! aha
So we had a few glasses of wine and decided to head to Jacks.

To be honest I actually hate wine! Like to drink it I was downing it, knowing I would be sick... probably not the best idea :P
When we got to jacks we were quite tipsy but you know that good level of tipsy when you're still in control. But everyone else was sober. I like a drink, I like a good laugh. But nothings more awkward that when you're the only drunk one. So when I came in I was like wow you guys need to catch up and got everyone doing shots... and stupidly joined in... probably not the best idea :/

After that the night is a blur...

All I know is that I woke up covered in bruises and knowing it was an amazing night :) aha.
Okay so I do feel stupid & very guilty but a few months ago I probably wouldn't have even gone. I'm not proud I got drunk but I am kinda happy that I'm able to be normal again. Don't get me wrong from now on I need to watch what I'm drinking but the fact I was able to go out, have a good laugh, actually be confident makes me realise that actually I have come a long way.

I keep doubting myself, doubting whether I have on even want to get better. But realising how a few months ago I was stuck inside, phone switched of making suicide plans and now I'm out, going a bit wild, being well a normal teenager. And that makes me want to fight even harder.

Ive got so many more great nights, great things to look forward to. Why would I want to miss out on them just for ana's sake.




Some pics from the night :P

Hope you all had a fun weekend,

Love Ali Ox

Feeling sick :(

Don't you hate it when you eat so much you feel like you need to be sick!
Hmm sounding slightly anorexic :/
But tonight I ate so much and now I really regret it.
I have the worst sick feeling in my throat. I just feel so uncomfortable.
I just want to sleep and for it all to go away...

Ah today I just havnt felt well at all.
You know when you just have no energy all day. All you want to do is go home to your bed and wrap up. I just feel so tired at the moment. Tired of school. Tired of going out. Tired of everything.

I was meant to meet my best friend after school today but I cancelled. I just didn't have the energy.
I feel guilty, like I know it would've been fun but tonight I just wasn't in the mood.
But maybe a night of study is just what I needed?

Hope you all had a good day,

Ali Ox