So casually took a good month of from blogging. Miss me? Haha
I guess I kinda thought I want to see if blogging was "feeding my ed". If I'm honest yes I do feel so much better now.
I felt like a month ago I was just lieing. I was pretending to work so hard when in reality I was only eating 1200 calories a day.
I felt guilty to all of you. You're all going through the toughest times actually working hard, and I was just pretending to be. I even had myself convinced.
I guess my turning point was last month when I had the worst weekend. I switched of my phone, locked my door and spend 10 hours on google looking at weight loss. I barely ate a thing, I just sat there shaking, wishing I was dead. But Sunday night I turned on my phone. 23 missed calls. 16 texts. 4 voicemails. All of a sudden I became full of guilt. Here was I in bed thinking my life was terrible, but I was just blocking out the people that meant the most to me.
At that moment my phone started ringing. What was I to do? Without thinking I picked up. "hun what the fuck did you like die I swear to God I've been panicking!! Where are you??" "aha hey Hun I'm fine sorry phone died!" "okay babe I need to say something your phone didn't die did it? I love you and really want you better but sweetie your getting alot worse, like I can't handle this anymore. I hate all the lieing, the bullshit. I'm here for you hun you're my bestfriend so why can't you even be honest with me? Babe we can't support you until you start fighting please hun you need to start"
I didn't know what to say. She was so right. I was wrapped up in my ed and all it was doing was pushing away the things I love about life. I hated myself for it. No, I hated my ed. After 2 more hours of talking we ended our conversation and I just fell to the floor and burst into tears. I was so worried of loosing my best friends, loosing any chance I had to have a life. And for the first time this new fear became bigger than my fear of eating.
So girlies I am so sorry!! Hope you have all been well and are all working just as hard.
Keep fighting, Ali Ox