Sunday, 22 April 2012

Gaining...

At the moment all I can see is weight gain.
Fat thighs. Fat stomach. Just fat fat fat.

At the moment it feels like everyday is a battle.
Everyday I'm fighting against myself, telling myself to eat more.
And all I feel like it's doing is making me fat...

I didn't know whether to say that, I didn't want to discourage any of you but I'm struggling.
I'm keeping to my meal plan, I'm fighting. But it seems like I'm loosing my strength and I'm starting to question whether I can ever fully win?

Don't get me wrong I feel so much better now. My life is starting to take shape again. But some days I do slip back. Some days I question whether I should keep fighting. I start to convince myself that maybe it's not what I want.

But it is.

Anorexia is much cleverer than me, and I'm only just realising that.
She knows where my weaknesses are. She knows how to convince me.

But I have to remind myself I have one powerful thing that she does't, I have rationality.

Sure if I listened to anorexia I'd be slim, maybe even skinny, but I wouldn't be happy.
I wouldn't be going out. I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be living a life.

In a few months time maybe I won't be 'slim', but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
If I'm happy, healthy, living my life, why should I care that there are people slimmer than me?

Hopefully soon my rationality will overcome anorexia's intelligence, and until then I will keep fighting.

Hope you all had a good weekend,
love ali Ox


Dress I was going to wear to my friends party next week, but can really see my weight gain in it now...

Maybe mum will buy me a new dress? aha :) :)


2 comments:

  1. Im like exactly the same stage... im healthy... or as close to. But not fully healthy, i have my days where i slip back. And have anxiety thoughts.. but i dont do anything stupid, the thoughts dont continue for more then a day or two...
    but somedays i feel like i lose all my motivation.. i dont know why i still fight.. why i still try to gain weight.

    Its hard.. but recovery isnt easy. The best thing to do is just accept when you have a bad day.. but dont give up. Accept that you feel liek shit, hate the way you look etc etc... then you just dont look in the mirror... and keep on eating.. even if its hard.

    But you're doing so well... never give up.

    Oh, and you look great... the dress is so pretty... ou dont need a new one!!

    Keep going. you're SO PRETTY! Amazing body! :)

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  2. Thats such great advice! I guess I kinda have to accept that I'm gona have good & bad days & that I need to embrace the good ones & just deal with the bad ones. Aha thank you same with you!! Unfortunately due to my weight gain the dress didn't fit (very stressful moment!) but I picked a different one and actually felt a lot more comfortable :) Ox

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