At the moment all I can see is weight gain.
Fat thighs. Fat stomach. Just fat fat fat.
At the moment it feels like everyday is a battle.
Everyday I'm fighting against myself, telling myself to eat more.
And all I feel like it's doing is making me fat...
I didn't know whether to say that, I didn't want to discourage any of you but I'm struggling.
I'm keeping to my meal plan, I'm fighting. But it seems like I'm loosing my strength and I'm starting to question whether I can ever fully win?
Don't get me wrong I feel so much better now. My life is starting to take shape again. But some days I do slip back. Some days I question whether I should keep fighting. I start to convince myself that maybe it's not what I want.
But it is.
Anorexia is much cleverer than me, and I'm only just realising that.
She knows where my weaknesses are. She knows how to convince me.
But I have to remind myself I have one powerful thing that she does't, I have rationality.
Sure if I listened to anorexia I'd be slim, maybe even skinny, but I wouldn't be happy.
I wouldn't be going out. I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be living a life.
In a few months time maybe I won't be 'slim', but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
If I'm happy, healthy, living my life, why should I care that there are people slimmer than me?
Hopefully soon my rationality will overcome anorexia's intelligence, and until then I will keep fighting.
Hope you all had a good weekend,
love ali Ox
Dress I was going to wear to my friends party next week, but can really see my weight gain in it now...
Maybe mum will buy me a new dress? aha :) :)