Monday, 30 April 2012

Busy busy busy

Sorry for my lack of posting!!
Literally I feel like I've been so busy lately, theres just so much to do.
I've only got 3 weeks left of school now... and I'm actually really sad.
Sounds weird right?
But at the moment I feel so happy like I prefer the week to the weekend. I feel so much more comfortable. I don't even feel guilty.
I don't know if I'm at home on the weekend I kinda feel like I have to restrict. I feel like I don't deserve to eat as many calories, as I havn't burnt them. Like in school I'm walking around, but at home I'm just studying so I don't need as many. Ah that sounds so weird! I don't know I'm just so much more panicky.

I guess I'm getting really nervous for study leave now. In a way I'm already planning how I can restrict, what exercise I can do.
Don't get me wrong I feel good, great even but I'm still not healthy.
I look 'healthy' but I'm not and it just seems like I've still got so far to go...
I just really hope I can keep fighting.
We all just need to keep reminding ourselves of how far we've come, how hard we've fought and how pointless it would be to give in now.

Hope you all had a great week,

Love  ali Ox

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Chocolate = happiness :)

Impressed with my culinary skills??

Okay so it doesn't look great but this salad was so good!

And healthy too :)

I always kinda thought healthy food wasn't meant to taste nice but it really does!

Today I realised that eating normally doesn't mean you can't eat a treat, even everyday!
Like today I had my salad, chicken and salad potatoes for lunch and dinner, so I feel I ate very healthily :). So tonight instead of just having yogurt I really felt like a yorkie, and thought why not?
At first anorexia was screaming no! You've already eaten to much, you don't deserve that chocolate.
But I thought well actually I do!
I've felt a bit low today, so why couldn't I have some chocolate as a little 'pick me up'?
And after I ate it I didn't feel guilty, I felt good!
Chocolate really does make a girl happy :) aha

Post later, chal bellas Ox

Yorkie!


Not for girls?

I beg to differ!

Best way to spend my evening is on the sofa watching rom-coms, eating yorkie :) aha 

Gaining...

At the moment all I can see is weight gain.
Fat thighs. Fat stomach. Just fat fat fat.

At the moment it feels like everyday is a battle.
Everyday I'm fighting against myself, telling myself to eat more.
And all I feel like it's doing is making me fat...

I didn't know whether to say that, I didn't want to discourage any of you but I'm struggling.
I'm keeping to my meal plan, I'm fighting. But it seems like I'm loosing my strength and I'm starting to question whether I can ever fully win?

Don't get me wrong I feel so much better now. My life is starting to take shape again. But some days I do slip back. Some days I question whether I should keep fighting. I start to convince myself that maybe it's not what I want.

But it is.

Anorexia is much cleverer than me, and I'm only just realising that.
She knows where my weaknesses are. She knows how to convince me.

But I have to remind myself I have one powerful thing that she does't, I have rationality.

Sure if I listened to anorexia I'd be slim, maybe even skinny, but I wouldn't be happy.
I wouldn't be going out. I wouldn't be going to school. I wouldn't be living a life.

In a few months time maybe I won't be 'slim', but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
If I'm happy, healthy, living my life, why should I care that there are people slimmer than me?

Hopefully soon my rationality will overcome anorexia's intelligence, and until then I will keep fighting.

Hope you all had a good weekend,
love ali Ox


Dress I was going to wear to my friends party next week, but can really see my weight gain in it now...

Maybe mum will buy me a new dress? aha :) :)


I actually can't stop smiling!

I just had the perfect night with my best friend.
I don't think I've laughed so hard in so so long!
She truly is amazing!

We went out for ice-cream- yum!!
I feel like I've been eating too much junk, but mmm it tastes good! Aha

I've realised how important food is, like for social situations.
When you meet someone you meet for lunch, dinner, even a snack.
I used to always let down my best friend, tell her I wasn't well just because the thought of going out for food scared me that much.

But she put up with my constant cancelling, all my rejected phone calls, me pushing her away.
She fought her way back into my life, and that proves just how amazing she is.

I think when people stick by you in such terrible times you realise just how much you mean to them. It just makes me feel so loved :) aha.

So another great evening with another amazing friend :).
I really feel like my whole life is starting to take shape, and it feels so good!

Hope you enjoyed your Saturday night Ox

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Study.

Do you know what I've realised I really enjoy studying :) aha.
I sound like such a geek! But spending the day to myself learning more is actually quite fun :).

In my last post I was saying how I don't really look forward to the weekend. But I was thinking maybe that's just because I love school?

That sounds weird, right? But my school is seriously amazing. I only have a max of 3 lessons a day so the rest of the time is just talking :).

I'm actually really sad I only have 4 weeks left. I know I'm almost 18 but it is actually scary moving on to uni, having to live by myself, make new friends. And if I'm honest I'm worried I'll slip back into anorexia...

I mean at the moment I'm telling myself I have to get better, I want to go to uni, I want to live a normal life. But next year will the motivation still be there?

For me motivation is the key to recovery. I spoke before about my friend, mimi. She's still struggling and o fear she is getting worse each day. I keep trying to motivate her, telling her doesn't she want to go out again, have fun, just you know be normal. But she just keeps saying she doesn't care. It broke my heart when she spent her 18th birthday just sat in her room shaking. But if she's not willing to motivate herself, what can anyone do?

I love how I start of talking about studying and just go of on a tangent! But really, I need to keep motivating myself, keep studying hard and more importantly keep fighting. Otherwise I know I can never have the life I want to live.

Of to do some economics :)
Hope you're all doing something just as fun! Aha

Love Ali Ox

Why do I dread the weekend?

Woo! It's the weekend!! :)
Anyone have any plans?

I like the weekend I really do but I do struggle more durning them.
In the week I have my routine, I'm prepared. But at the weekend I just don't want to get up, I don't want to eat breakfast, I just want to sleep till Monday.
But I can't do that.
So this morning I woke up I got ready and now I'm gona enjoy some breakfast :)
And today I'm gona study, watch films and maybe bake :)
Sure not the most exciting Saturday but I'm looking forward to my relaxation day :).

Hope you all have a great Saturday Ox

Friday, 20 April 2012

Perfect evening :)

I truely think an evening in with friends is my idea of the perfect evening.
Sure I like a good night out but being with the people you love just chatting just makes me smile :).

I know I write about them often but my friends really do make my life!
I think going through a time where you block all your friends out and they're still there for you proves just how amazing they are!

So today I finished school at 1 woo!
So I arranged to meet my best friends for a coffee.
I love coffee like actually could not live a day without it so I was excited :) aha.
When we got there my friends were like hmm I'm hungry let's go mcdonalds.

Mcdonalds!!

Part of me just said no! Go home make an excuse.

But no, I wasn't going to do that to them.

So I went and I ordered a chicken legend- and it was yum! Aha

I've had a massive fear of fast food. Like chocolate and that I'm okay with but burgers, chips etc just freak me out!
But today was the perfect challenge to that :).

I had convinced myself I couldn't eat mcdonalds. That it would make me ill. And because of that I avoided it for so long! But today made me realise just how easily I can trick myself...
But I'm gona put a stop to that! :)

So after our mccay Ds we said our goodbyes and I went to a friends house :).
It was such a lovely evening but was kinda weird when dinner came. I has already eaten at mcdonalds, I was full I didn't know what to do.
But I thought I can eat later, I have already eaten dinner it's not bad to just eat a little or tell them.
So I said I already ate, I saw the glances like "hmm has she really?" but I just went with it.
Maybe I should've ate I don't know :/.

Anyway sitting here enjoying my snack of yogurt and muesli I don't think I've done too badly today food-wise, right? Aha

Hope you're all enjoying your friday night! Have an amazing weekend Ox

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Why is mental illness such a taboo?

It dawned on me the other day you can't speak about mental illness, people just assume you're crazy, mad, but it's not like that.

This year I've had to take a lot of time of due to my anorexia, and I still do.
It's just awkward when my classmates ask 'where were you yesterday?' or 'why do you always leave early?'
My teachers know about my illness and understand I have to miss 1-2 days a week.
But what am I meant to tell my classmates?

Yesterday my boyfriends best friend was asking why I was never in, why was my teacher asking how it went yesterday, where was I?
I panicked! I couldn't tell him about my illness. I was so embarrassed, ashamed.
I feel like if you look at me I look healthy, I look normal so wouldn't he just think I was making it up? Would he just think I was delusional? Crazy? Mad?
Ah why am I so paranoid!

It just annoys me that I have to lie about my ed, because people don't understand it.

People think an ed is just a skinny girl wanting to be skinnier. But it isn't.
It's a complex mental illness that can affect anyone.
Just because someone looks 'normal' it doesn't mean there not still struggling.
And also just because someone is struggling it doesn't make them crazy!
Struggling means you can't handle something, people shouldn't just avoid the issue and pretend your fine.

I just wish I could tell people what I'm going through, like share my problems, but I feel like I can't.

Ah this was a long casual 4am rant!!

Anyway speak to you all later,

Ali Ox

wake up!!

Why am I so exhausted??

Do any of you have those days where you physically can't get out of bed, you just need to sleep.

Recently after I eat a meal I feel like I need to go to bed.
All I want is to be alone in my bed resting, but why??

I'm slightly worried I'm making myself tired, making myself sleep just to make sure I don't eat until my next meal.
I don't know why but that's a huge fear of mine at the moment.
Like following my meal plan I'm pretty much fine with, I'm used to it. But if I get hungry in-between I panic, I don't know what to do.

I guess days like this really upset me. They make me think that even though I'm eating more, I'm a healthier weight, aren't I just making up new rules, isn't ana still controlling me?

Ah I think I just analyse things way too much!! aha
I think I just need to wake up, get out of bed and go watch some tv :)
Waterloo Road, the apprentice & the only way is essex- wednesdays rule!! aha

Hope your all having a good evening,

ali Ox

meal plans.

My day in food :) aha.

I guess the whole concept of a meal plan kinda irritates me. I want to eat when I'm hungry, eat what I feel like eating, but I can't.

But then I do understand why I can't. At the moment if I didn't have a meal plan I doubt I would eat enough. I hope soon I'll be trusted to eat normally but until then having a meal plan actually makes things easier. I mean I know exactly what I have to eat, I'm prepared for it. So I'm not really as anxious. There's less of the; 'what should I eat?' 'Should I even eat now?' 'How much longer could I wait until I had to eat?' and for me that makes life a lot easier :)

So this is mainly what I eat;

Yogurt & muesli <<yum!!
1 slice toast
Orange juice

Chocolate bar <3/ cake/ cereal bar & juice/ yogurt & biscuits etc

Sandwich
Juice
Cereal bar/yogurt etc

Chocolate bar <3/ cake/ cereal bar & juice/ yogurt & biscuits etc

Normal dinner- curry, pasta, roast etc

Yogurt, biscuits, cereal bar etc

At first I felt I couldn't do it. I felt constantly scared and guilty.  But now I kinda like it :) aha.
Sure some days I really don't want to eat this much but I keep going and trust me it's worth it.

Was wondering if any of you had meal plans too?

Post later, ali Ox

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

One step closer

Finally I've gained some weight!

Over the past 6 months my weight has just gone between 46-47 but now I'm proud to say I'm 49.2kg!

Did I just say that??

Yes! I am proud to be 49.2kg! I'm proud my bmi is 18.3, no longer anorexic.

Okay yes when I first saw the number I panicked. I started to make up plans... But then I looked up and saw Jenna (my case worker from treatment) just beaming! And then I thought why would I try and loose this weight again? I've worked so hard, why do I want to go back to the dark place I was in before?

Yes I'm heavier, but I'm healthier, happier, more social, more focused, more fun, more me. Why would I loose all of that to be a couple of kilos lighter?

Sometimes it feels like everyone just cares about the number on the scales. I could never get my head around why being heavier would make any difference to how I felt, but it actually does. To fight anorexia you have to gain weight. I guess it's just kinda clicked that without gaining I'm not trying, so how could I ever win this battle?

So even if I don't want to I must keep trying, must keep gaining. And maybe I'll become even closer to beating it.

Keep fighting,

Ali Ox

my month in photos :)

So I thought I'd tell you a bit about what I've been up to :)
The last month I've mainly focused on the people that mean the most to me. I've had so many great times I think just being around the people you love makes you happy.


Firstly this month I've started to shop again :)
I love shopping like really I could spend 6 hours just looking at clothes.
Over the last few months I haven't gone at all, I've felt too scared to shop, too scared to see my body. But I've put a stop to that. And the thought of buying a whole new wardrobe makes gaining weight that little bit easier! aha



Next I've finally been allowed to exercise! woo! aha as long as I eat more I can do whatever exercise I want. So I've been dancing and jogging a lot :). And it feels so good! Hopefully soon I'll pluck up the courage to go swimming again. I've really missed it but the thought of my in a swimsuit is a bit too scary at the moment!

I've also been a lot more social this month. Whether it's been going out to lunch, pizza nights or parties I've been having so much more fun and finally started to be me again. Before where I'd dread any social event now I can't wait until the next one :)


 <<at my best friends 18th boat  party! :))


  hehe me enjoying my food >>





 << on the dance floor :)





   us doing shisha >>
 << doing shots





         in the park :) >>

 << at kew gardens :)






      out in my mates new car >>
                                                       Us lot at pre-drinks :)

So yh it was a good month and hopefully this one will be the even more so :)
Hope you're all just as full of life

Post later beauties,


ali Ox <3 <3

Updates!

So after my month away thought I'd tell you a little bit about what I've been up to :)

This month has been good. It's been up and down but overall I've enjoyed so many moments. There's been so many challenges but I've kept fighting and it's definitely been worth it.

I guess this month I've focused on my friends. I've stressed less about school and just kind of relaxed. Probably not the best idea as I really need to start studying, but its been so fun :) haha.

I've been out for meals, been clothes shopping, been with my friends. All the things which I stopped myself from doing I started to do again. I finally have control over my life, and it feels amazing!

Yes I do have bad ed days, worrying thoughts and sometimes they do get the better of me. I've still got a long way to go but I feel more steady on my road to recovery.

I guess I wanted to start blogging again because I feel I can handle it now. I feel more normal again, more myself :). I was worried before that I was giving bad advice, encouraging your eds, but now I feel in a much better place, like the best I've felt ever.

I have to be honest with you guys and say another reason why I've started is I feel like I'm slipping up alot recently. I'm eating like a normal person, but I'm not fully trying to gain weight. I guess it annoys me I'm so much more comfortable with how I look now, even before I had an ed. So why do I need to gain weight and change that? I know this is probably my ed talking so I thought I'd call out to you girlies for some advice :).

So, I just wanted to say my love goes out to all of you! And I really want to know how you're getting along?

So proud of you all, Ali Ox

I&apos;m back and this time for good <3

So casually took a good month of from blogging. Miss me? Haha
I guess I kinda thought I want to see if blogging was "feeding my ed". If I'm honest yes I do feel so much better now.
I felt like a month ago I was just lieing. I was pretending to work so hard when in reality I was only eating 1200 calories a day.

I felt guilty to all of you. You're all going through the toughest times actually working hard, and I was just pretending to be. I even had myself convinced.

I guess my turning point was last month when I had the worst weekend. I switched of my phone, locked my door and spend 10 hours on google looking at weight loss. I barely ate a thing, I just sat there shaking, wishing I was dead. But Sunday night I turned on my phone. 23 missed calls. 16 texts. 4 voicemails. All of a sudden I became full of guilt. Here was I in bed thinking my life was terrible, but I was just blocking out the people that meant the most to me.
At that moment my phone started ringing. What was I to do? Without thinking I picked up. "hun what the fuck did you like die I swear to God I've been panicking!! Where are you??" "aha hey Hun I'm fine sorry phone died!" "okay babe I need to say something your phone didn't die did it? I love you and really want you better but sweetie your getting alot worse, like I can't handle this anymore. I hate all the lieing, the bullshit. I'm here for you hun you're my bestfriend so why can't you even be honest with me? Babe we can't support you until you start fighting please hun you need to start"
I didn't know what to say. She was so right. I was wrapped up in my ed and all it was doing was pushing away the things I love about life. I hated myself for it. No, I hated my ed. After 2 more hours of talking we ended our conversation and I just fell to the floor and burst into tears. I was so worried of loosing my best friends, loosing any chance I had to have a life. And for the first time this new fear became bigger than my fear of eating.

So girlies I am so sorry!! Hope you have all been well and are all working just as hard.

Keep fighting, Ali Ox