Thursday, 8 March 2012

excuses, excuses

I've been trying to cut down of my blogging as my mum was worried about how it could trigger me. But the last few days I havn't really felt any different. So I figgured I enjoy blogging, why would I stop?

Anyway recently I have been eating alot more.
I've been challenging myself most days, and I really am becoming stronger.
But I feel constantly full.
I don't know if I actually am or if it's just in my head but it's so frustrating!
I know I still don't eat a 'normal' amount of calories but I don't know how I can physically fit in more food!

I think my problem is I've spent so long choosing the 'low-calorie' option that I instantly pick it now.
I was panicking thinking I would have to eat so much more, but really I just need to make better choices.
There's no excuse for me picking a low-calorie option especially when I prefer the normal option.
I can try so much harder than I am now, and if I'm honest I don't know why I havn't been all along.
Promise to post much more!

#nomoreexcuses Ox


I was reading a magazine the other day and came across this picture.
At first I got upset.
I thought they're so much skinnier than me, why do I have to gain weight?
This is what society views as attractive, so by gaining weight aren't I becoming further and further away from being attractive?
The picture was starting to become seriously triggering...

But then just as I was about to stop looking I noticed that the picture had been photoshopped.
Okay I new magazines used photoshop but I didn't think they would so obviously or dramatically.
Seeing how much they had altered the models bodies made me realise no-one's perfect, not even a victoria secret model, but that's okay.
It's okay not to be perfect.
It's okay not to have a perfectly flat stomach.
It's okay not to have perfectly toned legs.
It's okay to be a normal weight.

So what if I have a chubby tummy or big thighs? That doesn't make me instantly unattractive.
Someone will still love me, and find me beautiful, even with all my imperfections.

I've always felt like I had to be perfect but the truth is no-one is or will ever be.
The only way to survive is to accept our imperfections.
It's going to take some time, but it's the only way to move on from this.

#nolongerstrivingforperfection Ox


Recently things seem to be going really well :)

It's strange I'm not as scared of food. I don't dread the next meal. And some things I almost enjoy eating.

I went to the clinic today. I was so nervous but I finally gained weight :).
I was so happy but the staff were so shocked to see that. They asked me what made me so happy? And I thought well I do want to gain weight. Getting better means gaining weight, so why wouldn't I want to?
I explained that what's keeping me from panicking is simply thinking about it as a number on the scales and not considering the effect on my body.

I mean I can feel my body getting bigger, and yes I do hate it.
But if I just don't think about it, then it can't upset me.
And hey maybe one day I will learn to accept my bigger body.


Sunday, 4 March 2012

Today was perfect.

Today I was me again.
Ana was still there, but I didn't let her take over.
And it felt great.

My family came up to visit today.
It just makes me so happy to be around them. They're so loving and supportive, it means so much that despite how horrible I have been they're still there for me.
Once they came I went to the kitchen to make them all drinks. My uncle excused himself and came and found me. He told me how proud he was of how far I'd come, and how he knew I could get better.
It just meant so much to me to see the faith he had.
I always hate it when people comment on how 'healthy' I look. But what he said was different.
He made me realise that it isn't about getting bigger it's about sorting my head out. And gaining a few more pounds is a small price to pay to do that.

So he asked, could I handle going out for a roast?
All I could picture was a huge plate, calories, calories, calories.
I panicked. I didn't think I could do it just yet.
But then I thought I could ask if we could go somewhere that serves other foods too?
I felt so so guilty but I really wanted to go out and eat with them.

I was scared at first. I still hate eating infront of people. But I ordered a low calorie chicken wrap, so I felt much safer. And it actually tasted so good! :)
Then after dinner they got out the dessert menu.
At first I thought 'No! I can't. I won't'
But then mum was like just have a look, maybe you could get a latte or something?
So I looked and I saw a sticky toffee pudding.
I've actually been craving one for weeks now and was planning to buy one to test myself. So I thought why not test myself now?
My family were shocked to see me eat it. But it was so good!
I can still feel it in my stomach now... but I actually think it was worth it!

So I think today was another victory, and there's many more of those to look foward too :).

Ah school and then clinic tomorrow :/

Hope you all had an amazing weekend!

#anotherstepfoward Ox

Day 4.

A picture of your night
Okay so if you've read my previous posts you'll know my friday night didn't quite go as planned.

I let ana's voice dictate to me what to do.
I missed out on a lovely evening.
But in all honesty it was an evening I wasn't quite ready for.

It was hard for me to admit that.
But recovery is a long process, I need to accept that all this won't vanish overnight.

Eventhough I've got a while to go, I've still come a long way. And each day I'm coming closer and closer to recovering fully.

So last night instead of going out I stayed in.
I had an evening to myself; watching films, and even sipping a vanilla frapacino.
I havn't had one ever since I was ill so I thought why not challenge myself?
And I'm so happy I did, it was amazing! aha

I enjoyed my evening but hopefully next time I'll be posting that I did go out and eat, and that it was amazing.

#onlyafewstepsaway Ox


I don't know why but when I have a drink anas voice seems to disapear.
I feel so much more happier, relaxed and I'm able to eat.


It's weird tonight I only had one glass but I wasn't anxious or afraid of eating.
I was so confused and then I thought maybe it's not the alcohol?

Having my friends around me, joking around, taking shots is just an enjoyable evening, if I drink or not.
And having more evenings like these is what will help me to ignore ana.

It felt amazing tonight to fully join in.
To be the person that I used to be.
And to see how happy it made my friends to finally have me back.

I'm not saying I'm fully recovered just yet but I finally have hope again that I can and will.

The perfect end to a lovely evening has to be snuggled up in my comfy pjs watching sex and the city :)

Promise to post much more,
Night beauties Ox

Sorry... again!

Firstly sorry I didn't post yesterday!

I was so excited, so ready (atleast I thought) but I couldn't do it.
The curry was just too much of a challenge.

I spent all night thinking what should I post? Should I lie?
I just didn't want to be seen as a failure.

But then I thought, maybe it's not so bad.
Yes I did fail the challenge but it doesn't make me a failure.
Perhaps I was too optimistic about how much I could do?

So I decided why not set a new challenge?
So tonight I had some friends over; we ordered a pizza, and I ate.
I ate without thinking what I was doing, without working out the calories, without panicking.
And I enjoyed it.

I'm upset I failed my curry challenge, but in a way I'm proud that I didn't let that stop me.
And soon maybe I'll be fully ready for that curry :)

Hope you're all having a nice night

#fightingbackharder Ox

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Day 3 :)

A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

I didn't know if it meant theatre or tv so I shall do both :).

Firstly I watch way too much tv.
As a kid I hated it. I definitely preffered reading.
But as I've gotten older I've become addicted to so many shows.
I remeber when I was first suffering I made a rule I couldn't watch tv unless I exercised whilst watching it. So I used to spend hours skipping or hula-hooping no matter how exhasted I was. The pain was worth it for my tv time :) aha.


^just a selection to show I basically watch anything aha^

Reading the title again I'm pretty sure it's about theatre, not tv. But ah well, who didn't want to know my favourite shows.
Anyway onto theatre I think I'll start by telling you all my love for acting. Ever since I was young I got such a thrill from it. I didn't care if I was an orphan (oliver twist) to an ompa-lompa (charlie and the chocolate factory) I just loved to perform.

Now that I don't get to anymore I've started to go to the theatre more often.
I've seen quite a few shows but my 2 favourites definitely have to be Wicked and Billy Elliot.
Wicked has songs that just make you want to get up and sing, but the storyline of Billy Elliot is amazing.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel so posh when they go?
I love getting all dressed up, and theatre has to be the perfect excuse.
Hopefully I'll be going again soon :)

Post later Ox

fear foods

It's strange how eventhough I'm recovering I seem to be more scared of certain foods.
Like before I could probably have eaten small fries but today I didn't care how small the calorie content was I just kept thinking no it's a bad food it will make you fat.

I feel like meals will just make me balloon, no matter how little calories.
Like I can eat a cereal bar, but I'm scared to eat a salad. It just doesn't make any sense.

I really need to overcome my fear.
Meals are where I can get important nutrients from.
They are good for me and they won't make me fat.
I just wish I would start realising that...

^my typical meals^ 

#needtosortmyheadout Ox

Little slip...

Today I messed up.

I had been looking foward to going out with my friends for lunch.
I rarely eat lunch so it was a big step for me, but I thought I was ready for it.

But when we went to the food court I panicked.
My mates wanted kfc but I couldn't do it.
All I could think about was fat. How fatty the food was, how fat I was.
But I queued up,  I thought no who cares about fat I can do this.
But when I was called I just ordered a coffee.

I don't know why I changed my mind.
Today was a challenge for me, but I failed.
I kinda feel like I could try so much harder, but I don't.
But I guess I really need to work on that I can work on that                                   
Hope you're all having a good evening :)

#musttryharder Ox