Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Day 2.

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.


This girl is amazing.
Just being with her I laugh so hard that it hurts.
Shes been the best friend to me ever since we were 4 and I honestly couldn't live without her.
She's been with me through thick and thin and she puts up with all my ed mad moments.
At times I take just how amazing she is forgranted and I wish I could show her just how much she and all she does means to me.
I love you Marta!


^my 17th^

#feelblessedjustknowingher Ox

"I think I'll just become anorexic..."

I was chatting to a guy from class today. He's not the slimmest or best looking but he's so funny, sweet and intelligent. He was saying to me how he'll never find a girl. I asked him why he was saying that? He's amazing how can he not see it? He just laughed and said "its fine, I'll just become anorexic this summer, and then I'll go to uni looking hot."

I wasn't upset by his comment but it really made me think, do people undertsand what an eating disorder is?
It made me realise that people don't see it as a mental illness.
In a way it's good it means I can confide in my friends about my anorexia without them knowing I'm mentally ill. But it also means they can't understand why I won't eat. They assume its all about looking good, but for me it was never really about that.

I guess it's just difficult becuase no-one fully understands eating disorders, I definitely don't.
But once I've recovered I would love to learn more and maybe educate others about them.
It makes me think, yh I have had some tough times because of my ed but because of it I could help others; like turning a negative into a positive.

Ah anyway I better go eat dinner. I don't know why I'm always so scared. Like even if its healthy I'm still scared of food touching or foods that are hot :/.
But hey I'm feeling the fear, but doing it anyway.

Wish me luck Ox

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Day 1

A picture of yourself with five facts.

1. I hate needles.

2. I can't smile properly.

3. I couldn't live without sugarfree gum.

4. I always wanted to be a dancer.

5. I wish I could fully apreciate my life.



my outfit for today Ox

photo challenge!

I love photos.
Literally wherever I go I have to take a picture.
I think I just love having all the memories to look back on.

Since starting blogging I took a picture of myself everyday. I initially did it to see if I could see my weight gain. I am still doing it for that but also its quite fun!
So I thought I would take a photo challenge. I picked this one becuase I think it's show alot more about me behind my ed.

Hope you don't find it too boring. I think pictures of yourself are always so interesting to you, but not to anyone else aha.

#enjoyingthethingsiloveagain Ox

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with five facts
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your night
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 06 - A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture and a letter
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you’re afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Sorry!

Hello!

Sorry for my lack of posting recently I've just been so tired.
I don't know what it is but eating definitely takes more energy than it gives you!

I'm happy to say things have been going reasonably well. I'm actually starting to look foward to going out and I'm beginning to eat a bit more. I'm still a bit away from what is expected but I'm getting there.

I'm also discovering that I actually enjoy some foods. I wouldn't say I look foward to it but no longer afraid of eating my breakfast. But I am struggling with finding good foods for snacks and meals. Any suggestions would be very much apreciated :) aha.

On a bad note it's really hit me how much I'm behind in school. I got back an economics assignment from a few weeks back when I was really struggling. Handing it back my teacher said how this really wasn't my usual standard and asked what went wrong. My form tutor offered to email him to explain but I told him not to worry. I don't want people to have to feel sorry for me. I just want to be normal.
But I know being normal means working hard. So I've got weeks of studying to catch up on- woo hoo!

This week I'm not going to study too hard though. I want to use this week to start challenging myself. On Friday all my college friends are going out drinking. Sadly, being the 17-year-old I can't go. But fortunately some of my fellow underagers are going out for a curry. Without thinking I said ofcourse I'm coming, I love curry! Then ana got in the way... "how will you figure out the calories" "curry is the most fattening food" "it's not even like you've been told to eat it, why are you doing this??" But I'm just trying to block out these thoughts. It will be a really nice night, why shouldn't I go?

I better start some studying now hope you're having a great evening, will post later

Ali Ox

#onlyafewstepsaway Ox

Monday, 27 February 2012

Punishment

It feels like whenever I'm happy it wants to punish me.
Everytime I go out and have fun I feel so low the next day.
It's like it drains all my energy and just makes me feel so heavy.

So today when I woke up I didn't know what to do.
So I thought why not have an ensure?

I remember when I was first recovering and I had to down tonnes of these.
They actually taste amazing, almost like a frapacino <3.

Unfortunately it didn't quite give me the energy boost I expected. And now I'm annoyed that I've had the extra calories for no reason :/.

I know I have to wake up and go in to school but would it be terrible to just study from home today?

I think I'm just so tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore :/.

#needmyenergyback Ox

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Everything to live for

I actually can't stop smiling.

Tonight was so nice. It just felt lovely to go out, enjoy some food and walk around London.

It seems like everytime I go out I feel this magical happiness.
I need to keep this feeling with me.

I feel like everyday I forget how much I love my life.
I am so blessed and it kills me that somedays I can't see this at all.

I actually have the perfect life, so why do I not want to live it?
I've been given everything and it's time that I appreciate and take full advantage of it.

Why would I want to curl up and give in when I have all of this to live for?

#neverlisteningtoyouagain Ox

making my own choices

I'm having a tough time today.

I just have no energy.
I just want to curl up, fall asleep and for this all to be over.

Sadly, that's not possible. Instead I need to get up, go out, do something!
I have to keep going on with my life.

Today my boyfriend asked me out to dinner.
Everything in me is telling me to cancel, but I refuse to.
Why shouldn't I be able to go out and enjoy a meal?
Why shouldn't I be able to enjoy such a normal thing to do?

So today I'm putting my foot down.
I will go out and I will eat.

#iwillbenormal Ox

For mimi

I thought I'd write a post today on one of my friends, Mimi.
I've known her even since we were 4 but I rarely see her anymore.

Mimi had a tough upbringing and started to struggle with an eating disorder from when she was about 12.
But it was not just an eating disorder. Mimi had severe depression.

Every since I'd known her there was always something that wasn't quite right. She always panicked about being fat, despite being underweight, and always felt so low.
But she would try to stay positive.

A few years ago that stopped.
She didn't want to go out anymore. She just wanted to stay home all the time.
I didn't know what to do. I just told her not to worry, that she didn't have to come out if she didn't want to.
That was probably the worst thing I could have ever said.

A few years on Mimi now stays home every single day.
She developed agraphobia and hasn't left her house in almost a year.
Everyday she wakes up and does nothing. She's lost almost all of her friends.

I feel so terrible for her but in a way I'm angry at her.
She has had so much help offered, but she won't accept any of it.
She could get better, she just chooses not to.

Her story kind of makes me think; by not eating aren't I just choosing not to get better too?
In a way, by not eating I'm acting even worse than her.
I still have the motivation to help me recover, but she doesn't.

Seeing her makes me think of how my life would be if I didn't recover.
She's lost everything, and I would too.
I love her but I've given up hope that she will ever recover, she's too deep into the illness.
And if I don't work hard I'll become too deep into ana.

I have no excuses anymore.
Recovery is hard, but that's no reason to give up on it.
There's no choice to be made anymore; I have to recover.



I miss the times we had together :(

(she's in the middle in the red cardigan)




#iwillhavealife Ox

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Today.

Today has been tough.

Ive been so low but I've kept eating.
I've realised that no matter how I'm feeling I must eat.
I have to fight this now, or I never will.

On a more positive note today I saw the uni I'll hopefully be of to in september.
It was amazing. Seriously you can have a year studying in Australia and a year working in Florida. It's actually my dream life.

But, mum had to remind me how I might not be able to do all this.

I know if I don't recover I can't but for once I just wanted a day to dream of a life without ana.

I know she just cares and wants me to have a life. Its just upsetting to realise I might not actually move on from how I'm feeling now.

I guess I just need to keep proving to everyone, and myself, how I won't let that happen.

#recoveryismyonlychoice Ox

Getting tougher everyday

I feel full. Sickly full.

I feel so heavy, just sat here with my bloated belly ready to burst.

I want to gain. I do. But I hate what it's doing to me.

Today I've felt so weird. Almost as if I'm not actually here, like life isn't real.

I just feel so low.

But I know I have to wake up tomorrow and go on.
I kept wanting to give up but I can't, I won't.

I can suffer now or spend the rest of my life suffering even more.
I just need to keep that thought with me

#iwillnevergiveup Ox

Friday, 24 February 2012

You're not alone

Everyone has problems.

Everyone has fears, insecurities and days where they feel low.

Talking to some girls from class I realised it's normal to wake up in a bad mood and just want to be alone.
What't not normal is to give in to that.

I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Like I was having such a tough time and everyone else just had it so easy. But the truth is everyone has a hard life, you just have to get along with it.

I can't let my problems dominate every moment of my life.
Everyone has problems. If we all let them get to us we'd never get anywhere.

It's okay that some days I feel scared, insecure and low.
And I will have days like that. But through recovery everyday won't be like that anymore.
Recovery won't make my life perfect, but the more I'm beating this the easier my life is becoming.

#icandothis Ox


Changing my ways

My little kitty cat, Zachery <3.

I actually dont think I could love anything anymore.

Recently with my mood being all over the place I've shouted at him so much.
I felt physically sick seing the fear in his eyes when I walked into a room.
Seeing him like that made me realise what I was doing is not fair.

I was using my problems as an excuse to act out, but thats not okay.
Being horrible to people that havn't done anything wrong is completely unaccpetable.
In a way its still giving in, making me think that eating will cause me to act in a bad way.
But I can eat and be happy about it.
Instead of feeling angry I should actually feel proud, and from now on I will.

#noexcusesanymore Ox

Making lasting changes

You know what today I feel so proud of myself.

For the first time in ages I actually kept to my meal plan.

Not only that but tonight I went out for dinner and ordered a meal and a dessert.
It was just a chicken burger and a hot chocolate but to me it meant so much. To go out with friends and eat normally, not worrying about calories, just enjoying a normal conversation.

Okay yes I am anxious now. I did google the calories. I can't snap out of all my habits in a flash.
But, when I read the calories suddenly I didn't feel as scared. Today I've eaten more than I have in a long time, but I'm so proud of myself for that. And for the first time I actually want to gain weight.

Today was the first day of my fresh start.
Today was a struggle, but I still had an amazing day.
So tomorrow yes I may struggle again but I'm still determined to go on.
Today I took my first steps, and yes I will fall over as I try again, but soon I'll be walking.

uggs but I don't care, I just can't stop smiling...

#takingmyfirststeps










Thursday, 23 February 2012

:)

Recently I think one of the things that's been keeping me going is looking forward to things.

When I was quite ill I gave up on everything, I just didn't care anymore.
But now I'm excited for so many things.

Every week I try and do something exciting to keep me going. It doesn't have to be something big just something to remind me why I want to get better and how much I have to live for.

So tomorrow I'm of to Starbucks with some of the girls and then I'm going to bake :).

Not the most thrilling Friday night but for me its a step to socialising and doing the things I enjoy again.

Hope you all have fun weekends planned Ox

Me and my little bro <3
He became so scared of me because of it but we've really started to become close. It means so much to see him smile and talk to me again :)

Weight loss.

Today didn't go so well.

I lost 0.8kg. It may not sound like alot but I'm so annoyed!

I really wanted to gain. I wanted to prove that I was getting better, that I wasn't just wasting everyone's time. But I've done the opposite.

I've got one last chance.
I've got 2 weeks to gain or that's it, they're giving up on me.

Im so mad at myself!
Why did I let this happen?

The only good thing is now I'm motivated like hell to eat.
Not eating means no more help.
Not eating means making it harder and harder to recover.
Not eating means giving in.

The next few weeks are going to be hell, but I can and will get through them.

I have to.

#it'snowornever Ox

Constant battle

I'm so nervous.

I'm just on my way to the clinic. I feel I've gained loads but what if I've lost?

Sure that would make ana happy, but it wouldn't make me happy.

Yes I am scared that I have gained. But today I kinda want to have gained.

Ana is screaming "why are you saying that??" "we want to loose weight!" "we want to be slim and happy!"

But I'm screaming back no!
I want to show everyone I want to get better and I'm trying so hard to do so. And weight gain is the way to do that.

I guess I'm realising I can't ever fully recover without gaining weight. And strangely I'm starting to become okay with that.

Post later hope you're all having a great day :)

#listeningtothelogicalpartofme Ox

We are all actors

I'm scared. Terrified infact.

I can feel my stomach and thighs growing. I can feel myself getting fatter every second.

But I can overcome this fear.
And until then why should I let it dominate my life?
Why shouldn't I have a day without ana, where I pretend to be normal again.

Maybe the key to recovery is going on living life, and letting ana take a backseat to it.

I know I have an eating disorder but why should everyday, every decision be affected by it?

So today yes I woke up in panic but I went on with my life. I went to school, talked to my friends, went to class. I realised that I can be normal again.

Sure it may take a little bit of acting, but what's the harm in that?

#doingwhatiwantnotwhatyoudemand Ox

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

almost free

Today was tough.

I woke up feeling hopeless, like I didn't have the energy for this anymore.
But today made me realise I do.

It's tough fighting an eating disorder, it seems so get stronger and stronger everyday.
But actually the more you fight back, the weaker it becomes.

Today I could have woken up, skipped school and not eaten a thing.
But I didn't.
I put up a fight.
And yes it killed me to have to eat and then to go to school pretending everything was fine.
But I did it.

And then tonight something amazing happened.
When dinner was ready I was actually hungry.
I brought the bowl into my room and slowly began to eat it.
Within half an hour I had finished the plate.

It may not sound much but for me that was such a trimuph, and I know theres many more of those to come.

I'm going to have moments of worry, even now I'm looking down at my thighs in digust.
But these moments are starting to have less of an impact on me.
I may never be happy about my appearance but recently I'm starting to care a bit less.
I would much rather be full of life, surrounded by people I love.
And very soon I will be this way.


Of to the clinic tomorrow to be weighed :(. Wish me luck <3

#iwillneverstopfighting Ox

Feel the fear but do it anyway

My teacher brought up this quote today and it really made sense.

We all have fears in so many different forms. We will never have a life without fear. But there's a difference between having fears and letting them dominate our life.

Sometimes I let my fear of eating/gaining weight take over everything. But I shouldn't.

The next time I'm panicking about it I'm not going to ignore it, but instead I'm going to acknowledge it and go against it.

#everydayimastepclosertobeatingyou Ox

The little things make you smile

This morning I woke up in tears. I was so panicky screaming and shouting. I refused to go in to school.

I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it.

I was ready to give in to ana.

But then I logged in to blogger and found someone had left a comment. The comment made me realise what the hell was I thinking. Why was I going to give up when I had come so far?

Everyone has days where they feel hopeless but as long as we have support we can get through them.

So thank you @brokenwings for being my support <3

Of to school will post later.
Have an amazing day!

#evenwhenyouknockmedowniwillgetupagain Ox

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Lent

First of all happy pancake day beauties!

Hope you're all treating yourself to some yummy pancakes :).

As a kid I loved pancake day. It was so much fun making the mixture, attempting to flip it and then choosing the flavours.

Nothing could beat nutella pancakes.

I also loved having that one night where you could have dessert for dinner. I was considering asking my mum if we could but given my attitude over the last few days I best just try and stick to my meal plan.
I do kinda want a pancake though...

Anyway I thought I'd do a post tonight about lent. Every year since I was 8 I gave up junk. Part of me really wants to this year, but I'm worried it will make me fearful of those foods again.
Mum said I shouldn't and instead my letern promise should be to follow my meal plan.
Lent is a time to think and a time to change, so maybe I should go with mums idea?

Whatever I choose I'm going to use this lent to gain control over my life again. I've had it so easy just giving in all the time but enough is enough. I'm sick of the life I'm living and I will get my life back. Everyday I'm feeling more and more normal and in 40 days time I'll be even more so.

Anyway enjoy your pancake day and wish you the best of luck with your letern promises!
pancakes sharper
http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/chocolate-covered-recipes/pancake-pandemonium/

#ontheroadtorecovery Ox

Everyday

Why is dinner so bloody hard?

Why won't I eat food that's touching?
Why won't I eat food I don't know the exact calories of?
Why am I still letting it control me :(

#icaneatit

Why do I like feeling ill?

It's so weird every since I've had an eating disorder I love feeling dizzy. It's like you feel like you must not be eating, so you must be loosing weight. Same with periods. Since I was young all I ever wanted was to have a child. But when my periods started again the other day I was so panicky. It was like a voice telling me if you have a period you have more than enough fat on you, so why are you still eating?

Ah I just hate these weird thoughts. Seriously why do I secretly love having no energy, doing shit in school and not having a life?

I guess the only good thing is that I know these thoughts are weird and I'm even starting to ignore them.

#youcanthurtmeanymore Ox

Monday, 20 February 2012

Feeling sick

I ate a mars bar tonight.

And I hugely regret it.

It's not even part on my meal plan so why the hell did I do it :(
267 calories of fat that I could have avoided. So why didn't I?

Because tonight was a step to recovery.
Yes I feel sick but a few months ago I would have laughed at someone offering a mars bar.
Tonight I asked for one.

One mars bar won't make me fat. But that one mars bar will get me closer to feeling normal again.

#iambeatingyou Ox

I love school!

I feel so happy.

No really. After a weekend of tears it was so nice to be back in school. I was so happy to see everyone again and I actually really enjoyed class.

An eating disorder can convince you that you'd rather be alone, but this isn't true. Friends are the key to happiness, and the key to beating this thing.

This weekend I was considering dropping out of school. But school is the one thing that keeps me normal. School is the thing that will help me to be free.

As far as eating goes today has been okayish :/
Breakfast was good but I didn't eat my snacks or lunch. Why wont I eat infront of people?
I ate my dinner but I just feel sickly full now. My minds all over the place. I just need to keep remembering the life I want.

#iwillrememberwhatsimportant Ox

My outfit for school today... Already feeling tight :(


Winning the war

I woke up in the best mood today.

I was even able to eat breakfast without a fuss.

I feel like I'm getting better, like I'm finally winning.

I've realised that yh I'm going to go through pain now but wouldn't I rather that than I life of pain?

#realisingwhatsimportant

I love these chicas <3

Sunday, 19 February 2012

What I ate today

I feel like I always have a good start but the day worsens.

I love breakfast.
Yogurt, cereal, muffins- all so light and yummy!

But lunch and dinner I panic.
Theyre so heavy I feel so sick after them.

Today I ate my breakfast;
Yogurt and a skinny blueberry muffin

Then I had a snack of orange juice

Then came lunch :/
Mum made a quorn burger.
Took me 2hrs but I finished it.
Still feeling sick now :(

Then I had my snack- hot chocolate :)

Then was dinner :(
I had chicken, sweetcorn and potatoes
I did just eat the sweetcorn but mum found my dinner and forced me to eat the rest. 2 hours later I'm still finishing it...

I can eat
I can do this

I look at my photo and see fat everywhere! But I've realised I will never be happy with my weight, so I might as well stop losing weight and have a life.

#iwillstopthisobsession

Why do I fall at the last hurdle?

I hate eating meals.

I actually can't stand different types of food on a plate all touching.

#stupidanorexicthoughts

Needless to say I didn't finish dinner tonight.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

#whydoikeepgivingin Ox

I can't... or I won't?

I can't eat lunch today.

I hate lunch.

I'm meant to eat sandwiches, juice and a cereal bar but I can't do it.
I'm not even hungry, why should I have to eat when I'm not hungry?

I'm so huge. I don't need anymore food.

I've sat here for half an hour just looking at the plate. I thought well no-ones going to actually force feed me, so why should I eat?

But then, am I just being stubborn?

I could eat my lunch I just don't want to.
I know I should eat it but I'm not forcing myself to.

I hate this!
I feel like a stubborn two-year old. I need to grow up and stop caring.
Yes I'm fat. And yes I am getting fatter and fatter but why should I care?

Wouldn't I rather have the energy to go out?
Wouldn't I rather want to talk to my friends?
Wouldnt I rather have a life?

#whycantisnapoutofthis Ox

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Ending on a sugar high

White hot chocolate.

One word- yum!

Tonight I was feeling down. My mum found out I had cheated and was so dissapointed. I was determined to prove I could battle this myself. So I got back on track and had an evening snack of hot chocolate.

It was just what I needed and only 44 calories- I shouldn't feel too guilty about that right?

Of to bed tomorrow is a new day. I will do better

#chocolatemakeseverythingbetter Ox

Why did I just do that?

I cheated tonight.

Not badly I just didn't eat 1/2 my carbs. But I have no idea why :/

I want to get better.
I want to enjoy socialising again.
I want to be a good girlfriend.
I want to focus in school again.
I want a life.

I still can't bring myself to talk to my friends. Some of them are starting to worry, but I don't even care.
My boyfriend texted asking me if I was eating. He doesn't really know about my problems, but now even he's realising.

I want to get better but I just don't think I will ever be normal again.

Scrap that! Why am I being so depressing?
I want to get better but I just don't think I will ever be normal again.
will get better.
will be normal again.





#yeswecan Ox

Rock my world into the sunlight...

Gosh my last posts are full of self pittiness!

I need to accept that it's normal to have low points, and we can get through them.

All we need is some good music <3
I'm actually loving Jessie J- Domino

How can a song just make you smile?

On a good note I have eaten reasonably well today;

Breakfast;
 Banana shake and museli (300 kcal)

Snack;
Orange juice (100 kcal)

Lunch;
Chicken salad (300 kcal)

I am panicking it just sounds like so much but I'm starting to think maybe this is a normal amount of food?
I feel insanely full and I have to have a snack soon... but I can and I will eat it and try to do it with a smile on my face...


#iwillkeepsmiling

It's all down to me now...

All I care about is me.

All I'm thinking about is how fat I am and how by tomorrow I'll be even fatter.

I could have a normal life... but why don't I want it?

Why the hell am I feeling sorry for myself?

I have all the tools and support to get better, so why aren't I using them?

#iwillfreemyself

When will I apreciate my life?

Fuck life.

Fuck this.

Why the fuck am I letting the thoughts dictate my life?

My phone keeps vibrating with texts and calls but I just don't care. I just want to be alone.
I don't care about anything all I want is to be free.

Why am I letting myself get so fucking fat?












#howwillbeingthisfatmakemehappy Ox

Friday, 17 February 2012

My food diary

After my weight gain yesterday today hasn't been good. I just lay in bed for hours this morning trying to see how I could get away without eating.
But then I stopped.
I wasn't going to give in that easily. So I got up and made my breakfast;

A banana shake;
100ml semi-skimmed milk (50 kcal)
100ml vanilla yogurt (50 kcal)
1/2 a frozen banana (50 kcal)
And a brunch bar (150 kcal)


Next for my morning snack I thought it’d be a nice idea to have one of my chocolates I got for valentines day. Very much regretted this idea! Not only is it not a good snack but it has like 100kcal for that tiny thing!

I really didn’t want to eat at lunch. But I forced myself into making yogurt(50kcal) and muesli (200kcal)
Then came the nightmare. As it’s Friday my family always have McDonalds. So I ordered the chicken salad sandwich (450kcal). I can actually still feel my thighs growing just thinking about it :/

After that I promised myself I wouldn’t eat anything more. But then I thought no, that’s what ana would want me to do. So to make up for missing my afternoon snack I decided to combine the two by making blueberry muffins (150kcal).
My skinny blueberry muffins (makes 10)
4tbsp oil
200g flour
2tsp baking powder (I usually add a bit more)
180ml milk (I use semi-skimmed)
1 egg
1tsp vanilla essence
Sweetener to taste (I use about 20g)
For the compote;
200g frozen blueberries
2tsp lemon juice
2tbsp water
Sweetener (about 1/3 cup)

1.      Sieve and mix dry ingredients
2.      Mix wet ingredients
3.      Heat 100g blueberries, lemon juice, sweetener and water over a low heat for 5 minutes. Add remaining blueberries for 2 minutes
4.      Add blueberries to mixture
5.      Divide into 10 muffin cases
6.      Bake for 20-25 minutes at 180 (gas 4)

Throughout the day I also had a cup of tea (25 kcal), squash (20kcal) and pepsi max (5kcal)
So I had around 1300 kcal today. I feel like I’ve eaten the world but I know my clinic will say its not good enough.
Must eat more tomorrow. I can do this.

 Err can already see the weight gain :(


#howcanifitinanymorefood Ox

Dominating every thought

Hit such a low point tonight. I was so ready to give up, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I was meant to meet my boyfriend today but I cancelled. I just wasn't bothered.
He means the world to me but I just don't have the energy anymore.

Why am I letting the things that mean the most to me slip through my fingers?
Why do I only care about it ?

#ijustwanttocareagain

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Baking is the key to a happy home

Just back from treatment and things didn't go quite so well. I've gained but only by 0.2kg. I'm distraught I've gained at all but the staff still say I need to gain more. I really want my life back. If only I could have it without gaining weight...

I need to turn this terrible day around. I think it's time I baked <3.
Like a giant cookie for only 200 calories #thankyouchocolatecoveredkatie

blue2_thumb5

http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/chocolate-covered-recipes/baked-goods/the-breakfast-pizzert/

Now just to get myself to eat it...

#iwillstopfeelinglikethis Ox

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Movies, mudmasks and muchies

Last night was amazing.

It felt so weird to be normal again. Sure there was the panic of all the chocolate the girls were munching but for once that took a backseat to being me again. (And I even had a chocolate covered strawberry too!)

It made me realise how if I eat I can enjoy nights like these and so much more.

Off to the clinic :/. I always have mixed feelings I never know if I want to have lost weight or not. But if I want my life back I know I shouldn't have lost.

Must actually listen to everything they say and follow my meal plan!

Hasta luego hermosas Ox

#recoveryistheonlyway

P.s. Must buy just dance 3! Showed me how to enjoy exercise healthily again Ox

Do I want this life?

I was so full when I woke up today. Does anyone else have that constant feeling of fullness? But I know I have to eat anyway so I had my breakfast, yogurt and muesli, whilst in the car to nottingham.

The uni looked so good. A pool and a Starbucks, what more could I wish for? Aha but the whole way round I knew I could never go here unless I\'m fully recovered. So from now onwards no matter how full I am I have to eat.

Of to my bestfriends for a girly night in <3. So anxious for all the food that will be there but I\'m determined to go and have fun.


My thighs are huge but I don\'t care...
#iwillhaveanormallife Ox

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Anorexia isn&apos;t a choice, recovery is

I was reading a few recovery blogs this evening and came across this title. Recently I've been using ana as an excuse for everything; poor attendence, bad grades even being a terrible friend but this made me realise I can't do that. It isn't my fault I have anorexia (gosh thats scary to admit!) but it is my fault if I continue to suffer from it. It's pointless spending my days cheating, I'm only just cheating myself. Today I had to make a choice. And I choose recovery.


#ichoosetobefree

Ciao bellas Ox