Monday, 24 December 2012

Merry christmas!

Hey guys & girlies!
Long time no speak!
Hope you're all doing well in your recovery & hope this christmas is a hell of a lot better than last.
Send my love out to all of you & promise I shall be blogging & vlogging much much more in 2013!

So how have you all been?

Love Anne Ox

(will explain in a few posts!)

Monday, 16 July 2012

Holiday photos!


So you all wan a see my holiday pics right??

No??

You know I'm gona show you anyway ;p

I actually took like 500 photos! So I think I'll just show you the ones with good stories behind them :) (ignore my ugs drunkeness!!)

So on the first night we thought we'd just head out for a quick cocktail but that didn't happen!
Gaby actually got so drunk 2 really sweet guys had to carry her back.
So much for our quiet drink...

Why we encouraged them to drink more is beyond me :S

At the beach :)

Developed a new love of pole dancing ;P

Our T's on the strip :)

"The Tease"
Nic's new bestie

leg-up ;)

Definitely not worrying about the calories ;)


Jump!

I had some great dance moves...


Enjoying my food :)


Best bartender ever!

The night spain won :) 


Espanaaaa!!!!!

Our "family" drinking game ;P

Only nics ;P


At the waterpark :)

almost filling it out ;P


We love O'neils!

Jess <3

My 18th surprise party!


Mad pole skills ;)

Free cocktails!

& I even ended the last night enjoying a kebab :)

The holiday was just what I needed & I actually came back feeling so different.
I kinda felt like I grew up a lot, I realised a lot of things.
I did feel conscious on the holiday, but unlike before I just ignored that thought & had fun!
I wouldn't say I'm 100% fine, but I don't think anyone is.
Right now I feel so much more comfortable in my life.
It's been a hard year, but I've made it, and right now I'm happier than ever.

How's your summer going?
Lots of love,
ali Ox





Saturday, 14 July 2012

Tenerife!!

So been meaning to post about this like all week, but better late than never ey? ;p aha
But anyway,Tenerife was AMAZING!!
Like fuhgjshnawkfhrfbbf AMAZING!!
Literally spent all week shopping, swimming, clubbing and drinking!
All my favourite things! :)

But the reason why I loved it so so much was that out there it was like I wasn't ill at all.
Before I was so so low, but out there it all just went away.
I was just so happy to be around my best mates & I was able to eat without any problems at all!
I guess I just felt really proud (sounding vain here!! aha) but I could have easily restricted. I mean my mates would quite easily fall for ana's tricks compared to my parents but I stuck to my guns & now I'm confident that if I go to uni I will still eat.
Don't get me wrong, the thoughts are still there. I kinda feel like it'll be a long, long time before they start to go away. But now I'm not as tempted to give in. So maybe I am nearly there?

I think the holiday was just what I needed.
It really did make me feel so normal again.
It was hard, and at first I was so scared but towards the end of the week it was as if I didn't have depression at all :).
I just hope this feeling will last!
Anyway missed blogging a lot!!
What have you all been up to?

Love ali Ox

I'm back!!

So after weeks of not blogging I'm finally back!!
I feel like I keep casually leaving :/
Things have been crazy literally I got back from Tenerife & then it was my 18th on thursday.
So I've got a lot to fill you in on!!
Missed you all lots! Sorry for my lack of replies/comments. Will do it soon!

So much love,
ali Ox

Monday, 2 July 2012

Hola!!

Hey girlies!
Missing blogging so much!! aha
How have you all been?

Literally having the best holiday! So many great stories to tell you all!
I´ve literally been so happy!! It´s like the last month we´re I was so depressed, so unhappy didn´t even exist.
I feel so healthy right now, so normal.
I feel like I´m well recovered :)
Anyway only have 1 minute till my time runs out just wanted to hope youre all well & promise I will email, comment etc soon!!

Much love,
ali Ox

Thursday, 28 June 2012

El arrecife, el arrecife, el arrecife esta en el fuego!!!!!

!Adios chicas!
!Hoy voy a Tenerife!
Una semana de bebiendo, baile y divertido.
!Estoy emocionando!

Impressing with my linguistic skills :P
Ah girlies I'm so excited!
I will miss all of you (of course!) but I just can't wait to get away from it all.
So please don't stop reading my blog because I will be back!
Hopefully in a week i'll be back a lovely golden brown & maybe even a few kg heavier :P

Hope you all have an amazing week :)
Anyone of anywhere nice?

Love & hugs,
ali Ox


Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Awards!

Huge thank you to my stunning girlie at http://healthyishappy115.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for the versatile blogger award.
It truly means so much to know that people read let alone enjoy my blog!
So thank you ever so much!!

 

As I have been nominated I have to


  •  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.
So my 15 beautiful rays of sunshine are:
















7 Things about me...

1. I'm 18 in 2 weeks!
2. I'm addicted to chewing gum & diet drinks
3. I'm of to Tenerife tomorrow!
4. My family & friends are the most important things in my life
5. I' the biggest fan of Real Housewives
6. I couldn't live without my makeup
7. I'm scared to be fully recovered

Love ali Ox









Please read!!

http://agirl-blogg.blogspot.co.uk/

Please read this blog & give this beautiful girl some support.
She is struggling with anorexia, but she still fights every single day.
Eventhough she is struggling she provides support for all of us, which is truly admirable.
I know she will make it, she is such a strong, intelligent girl, even if she cannot see it sometimes.
Please leave her a comment :)


Shopping!!

I love shopping.

Like actually love it!!

Getting ready for my hol I've been shopping so much!!
On monday I headed up to Oxford St. to get everything for my hol & it was so much fun!
Okay slightly worrying that I seriously had the best time shopping by myself...
But it was so good!! aha

It was weird I wasn't anxious at all.
I was so scared to go & to see all the mirrors, but it didn't actually bother me that much.
For the first time I was actually looking at the clothes, not just my body.
It made me realise that I am so close to full recovery now :).

A few days ago I was thinking ahh if only I could loose a few kg before my holiday.
But the last few days have made me realise its so not worth it.
I don't love my body now, but I can deal with it.
And I'd much rather like my body less than be trapped into ana's cycle again.
I think the sessions in the clinic yesterday really helped, they made me realise how small a sacrifice I'm making.
All it is is being a few pounds heavier, but I gain so much for that.
Health, happiness, energy, its just so worth it!

We can do this girlies,
Love ali Ox





Saturday :)

Havnt actually told you at all what I've been up to lately!
So mainly last few days have been panicking trying to get everything sorted for tomorrow!
I love how I'm making out like it was effort when actually it was so much fun! 

On saturday I did manage to see my 2 besties & it was so much fun.
I was actually really proud because we all cooked dinner & even though they took small portions, I made sure I didn't.
It was really tough but I felt like it was good preparation for this week, where no-one will be watching my eating.
I guess it made me feel a lot more confident that I am a lot stronger. 
Even if the thoughts are still there I haven't given in in such a long time & that makes me feel so proud :) 
So I'm basically just bragging... but whats wrong with being proud of your achievements :P aha

Anyway it was a really lovely evening & so nice to catch up with them after so long!

Love ali Ox







hello!!

ah why have I not been posting??
I keep wanting to but then I seem to be getting too distracted...
maybe because I'm of to Tenerife tomorrow!!
jealous? :P aha

I'm literally so so excited!!
I just need to get out there, in the sun, cocktail in hand.
I've been so stressed & this holiday is exactly what I need.
So sorry I doubt I can post/comment for the next week but please don't give up on me!! aha
anyway how have you all been?

love ali Ox

Friday, 22 June 2012

afternoon tea :)

So today was really good!
Like I said I woke up feeling low but I got up & went out to see 2 of my friends.
I just spent a few hours with them (desperately trying to sort our holiday t-shirts!) but it was just so good to get out & see them.

After that I just had a nice walk home, had some lunch & then went for tea and cake with mum & fifi :).
Mum had promised me she would take me to this cafe as soon as I felt I could handle it, but we just kept forgetting! It was so nice to finally go there & be able to freely order what I felt like :).

My 2 best friends were meant to come round after but in a way I'm happy they couldn't. Don't get me wrong I'm dying to see them but I'm just so exhausted! Hopefully they can stay round mine tomorrow though :).

Anyway today was such a good day. Its the first day when I finally feel normal again.
I mean a few days ago my depression was terrible, I was even almost forced into inpatient treatment :(.
But today I was like back to normal, and that felt so amazing.

Hope you all had a great day,
Love ali Ox



starting to fell free...

This last month has been hard.
I've struggled just getting through each day.
But I made it :)

Okay so it doesn't really sound like an achievement, but to me it is.
I've come so dangerously close to giving in this month, but I didn't.
I kept fighting, and yes it took everything out of me, but it was so worth it.

I guess I'm just proud of myself :) aha but I'm just happy that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was :).
I know I may have failed my exams but in a way I don't care.
The fact that I'm still here, and that I'm here smiling, enjoying life means so so much more to me.

So today I woke up and I did feel low, I just wanted to get under the covers & let time pass.
But instead I got up, went out and I started to feel so much better.

During my exams I kept feeling like these feelings would never go away.
But today it feels like they're starting to :).

So this afternoon I'm just of to have cake and tea with my sister & mum to celebrate :)

Love ali Ox

video
And another blog for you all :) 

why hello there ;)

Guess what??
I'm back!!

After my torturous month of exams I'm finally free!!
So yes sorry for ignoring you all but woohoo I'm so happy to be blogging again!!

How have you all been?

Love ali Ox

Monday, 11 June 2012

video

Just incase your missing me...

So just incase your missing me heres a few vlogs I've done :)

Sorry for not replying to emails or commenting on anyones blogs! Promise to do so as soon as this exam is over tomorrow :)

Also just wanted to say how proud I am of izzy for her binge/purging post. No-one ever admits to it but I think its something most of us have gone through. So just wanted to say how proud I was of her for opening up to it & giving such great advice <3
http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/binge-eatingbulimiabinge-purge.html

Love ali Ox
video

Sorry I havnt posted in the last few days!
I'm literally just stressing about about these exams :(

Anyway June 21st onwards I shall be posting 24/7 :)
How have you all been?

ali Ox

Friday, 8 June 2012

answers part 2 :)




answers!

So I finally remembered there was a few questions I got!
As I'm lazy I wasn't bothered to write the answers so I just did a vlog ;P
Sorry its so long!! I'm tired so I'm just talking shit! aha
So yes enjoy! & just ask if you have any questions,
love ali Ox





Thursday, 7 June 2012

Happy 18th birthday marta!

So completely forgot to tell you guys about yesterday!!
Was actually so so much fun!

As I said it was my best friends birthday & we all went to this american diner in Picadilly Circus :)
My journey didn't actually start of great. I tripped & fell down the stairs & I think I broke my thumb... do you go to hospital for that? I don't know... aha
Anyway once all that was over I met all my friends in London & we had our lunch- which was so good!
All before I was like just order a salad & water but when I got there I was like I want a chicken burger & a milkshake. So I ordered it & it was so good!
*Feeling slightly guilty realising that I had a milkshake yesterday and a doughnut thing today, but ah well we all deserve a treat now and again :)*
Anyway so yh it was just really nice to be with my high school friends again. Its weird we like rarely all meet but when we do we all just feel so happy! Its really good to know that we'll all be friends for life :).
So afterwards we walked round looking in shops (checking out gilly hicks models... aha) but after like an hour I got so tired. You know that weird kind where you're like I'm going to pass out. I felt mean but I just made an excuse & left. I wish I could've stayed but I literally fell asleep on the train home so guessing I was probably right to leave then!
I just keep thinking errr when will my energy come back?? :/
So all in all was a great day & really hope marta had a great 18th!

Hope you all had a fun day :),
love ali Ox

my vanilla bun :)





My day :)

Okay so it seems like everyone is doing vlogs so I wanted to too.
I don't want it to seem like I'm copying any of you guys it just seemed fun & I wanted to see how I sounded :) aha

So anyway here's my first vlog...
video

Enjoy! Ox

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Sorry!!

Sorry for my messed up post yesterday!
I think sometimes my mind just goes all weird :/
Anyway I've woken up & read my post & realised how stupid I sound!!
Don't worry I wouldn't do anything stupid like that its just I want a break, just a few days or so I want to escape from all this. But now I'm thinking only 2 more weeks & I can :).
So yes thank you for all the positive comments/emails! & I will reply to them all very soon!!

So today is my best friends 18th birthday!!
I've known her for 14 years so today is really special for me.
We're going up London to this amazing diner for lunch & I'm actually really excited!
Okay part of me is thinking whats the lowest calorie thing? How much fat is in it? etc etc but today I'm just going to go there & order what I feel like. It actually feels so good to know that calories no longer dominate my life :)

So I hope today will be a great day, free from ana :)
Better get back to studying :/
Will post later
Love ali Ox

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

why am I so fucked up?

Today was really tough :(
As I mentioned earlier I was feeling really ill today. All I wanted to do was to snuggle up with a hot water bottle. So I spent most the day revising & watching tv which was really nice :). But because I was ill I didn't want to eat, I just felt so full & sick, but of course mum made me :(.

But it was weird when I ate I didn't feel nauseous I felt panicky. I kept thinking but I havnt exercised, I'm eating way to many calories, I should be sick...

Its strange I feel recently this whole "you have to be sick" thought keeps coming back :/ but its like its not just like you need to loose weight its more like being sick will make everything better.
It just makes no sense.

Anyway those thoughts were hard to handle but the worst thoughts I keep having today are about attempting suicide, but not dieing, just attempting.

Like I keep planning. I'm thinking okay next thursday I've got a religion exam which I really need to do well so I thought the night before I'll take just enough pills (or the right mix of pills & alcohol, I'm still debating...) then I'll have to be hospitalised, have my stomach pumped & then the exam board will have to give me my predicted grade.
I mean how stupid is that?
Its making me think is my only way to deal with exam pressure a "suicide attempt"?

Whats even more worrying is that I've planned it so well, Ive decided on the substance, the dose, when to take it. I've even thought about how I'll have a shower & then do my hair & make-up before and how I'll pack a bag of revision and stuff incase I'm in hospital for a while. I've even gone down to telling my mum to make sure she'll know to call an ambulance. I mean what the fuck!
I'm even planning notes for everyone just incase I do die.
It scares me that I have no fear of death. I know thats kinda a good thing but its weird its not like I don't want to live its that I wouldn't mind if I died.
Ah my brain is messed up!
Who else would think a "suicide attempt" is the best way to get a good grade?

Why am I so weird :(

Yesterday :)

So yesterday was actually quite nice :)
Wasn't my idea of a good party but I think Jake had a great time, & thats what matters the most.
I guess I still feel so bad for him.
Like he's so sweet, he's a proper amazing guy, I just wish other people would give him a chance :(

Anyway it was so nice to see him yesterday & just have a relaxing family day :)
& the birthday cake was AMAZING!! aha

Hope you all had a great day :),
Love ali Ox

Sick :(

Last night I started to feel proper ill and this morning I feel even worse.
I'm so annoyed! Today I was meant to meet my best friend Jack & now I'm like err I don't want to get out of bed!
I really want to go but I'm freezing, I'm exhausted, Im just sick :(
I hate letting people down so I feel I should force myself to go but I just don't know :/
I guess its hard because it feels like I never know if I'm actually ill or if its just my brain tricking me...
What should I do?

Love ali Ox

Monday, 4 June 2012

Choices

So today I'm of to my cousins 18th birthday :)
I'm excited it should be fun but I'm also kinda sad too.
My cousin has severe autism so today he won't really have any friends there.
I guess sometimes I'm feeling bad for myself but I forget how hard other people have it.
I mean I can choose to get better. I can have a life, but Jake can't.
Why would I choose not to get better when some people don't even get a choice at all?
I guess this just makes me realise how stupid it would be not to fight.


my poor baby :( 
We can keep going!
Love ali Ox

Thank you!!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to all of you for your support <3. Over the last few days I have been feeling down and to be honest I was starting to give in but reading all your comments made me realise that I really want to beat this, and I can. So a huge thank you to all of you!

Love ali Ox

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Fat

I am fat :( 
hips, tummy, arms, thighs
just yuck!
how can i gain more when I'm this big...

Looks like today is going to be difficult... 

Saturday, 2 June 2012

change in tune...

So today I finally got out of the house & boy does it feel good!!
Today I was still feeling a little low, like kinda worried about how I was last night so I was thinking just don't go out today...
But then I thought I hadn't seen Daryll (my boyfriend) in so long, so I couldn't just cancel.
So as always I turned up my radio, put on my make-up & went & it was actually such a nice evening!
Its weird we can literally just sit for hours & hours talking, I really like it :)
& it was so good to have time to properly talk like things have been kinda awkward between us (because my parents walked in on us- very long, embarrassing story!) so because of that they don't really like him. I know that seems like such a minor thing to fret over but I'm serious about our relationship & I really want my family to accept him, I just don't know what to do...

Anyway was such a great night out, free from ana & depression :)

But sad news for today I smashed my iPhone :(
My phone is literally like my baby, I love it but I dropped it :(
at least it still works :)

hope you all had a great day,
love ali Ox